Dear Patti,

Since it is National Autism Awareness Month I thought it appropriate to write to you about this subject. I’m 42 and figured I’d probably never get married. Then I met Richard. We’ve been together two years and are getting married this summer. He has a 9-year-old son, Mathew, who has autism and lives with him half the time. My family and friends tell me I’m entering into a much too complicated situation and — while I don’t want to be rude — I’m inclined to tell them to mind their own business.

I’m very committed to my fiancé and his son. I’ve lived life way too cautiously and feel it almost passed me by. I’m not naïve and realize there’ll be tough times ahead since I’ve never been a wife, let alone a stepmother, but I love Richard and his son very much. What I want from you, Patti, is a little understanding about autism.
—Michelle

Dear Michelle,

First of all, no two children with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) are the same. ASD is a neurological anomaly that ranges from highly functional to non-communicative behavior and causes each child to develop in his or her own unique way in the several vital areas:

Sensory Sensitivity: For a child with autism, the five senses we all count on. These children are so overwhelmed by sensory stimuli such as hyper-acute hearing or smelling or light sensitivity that they try to maintain control by engaging in “stimming” — self-soothing, repetitive, physical movements like rocking, twirling, or turning light switches on and off. This is also why, in part, they often engage in routines and rituals and have tantrums when interrupted.

Two other important sense disorders are in the sense of balance and the sense of understanding where the body is in space. Imagine an unbearably scratchy sweater, a lunch box that smells disgustingly odorous or sounds around you painfully intensified, as if next to a blaringly loud speaker.

Social Skills: Learning to get along with peers and develop friendships doesn’t come easily, and they frequently miss communication cues expressed through facial expressions, body language and gestures. They’re often thought to be eccentric or odd and seemingly prefer to play alone. They’re concrete thinkers. They also think literally; sayings like “butterflies in my stomach” or “hold your tongue” make no sense to them. Good manners, eye contact, smiling and participating in social interactions are difficult behaviors to learn. They’re not being purposely noncompliant; they just lack the ability or knowledge that comes easily to others. Although it’s hard to start conversations or ask someone to play, this doesn’t mean they don’t want to or that they don’t care.

Speech Difficulties: Bonding with others through language is challenging for those with autism, and speech can be delayed or entirely absent. If their vocabulary is limited, they might repeat paragraphs or words they heard somewhere else. They often speak in atypical or unusual patterns such as referring to themselves in the third person.

Self-Esteem: When a child seems to always upset people, misunderstand the world around him, struggle with activities that are easy for others, and is constantly in trouble, it’s no wonder his ego plummets and overwhelms him with feelings of despair and frustration.

Whenever things become trying for you as a stepmom, try to put yourself in Mathew’s shoes and remember how hard it is for him. You can go away for a while and escape — he can’t.