Dear Patti,
I’d like to know why I’m angry all the time. It’s not any particular problem or reason that triggers this feeling. No matter what issue arises, I get totally enraged and it’s almost always out of proportion to the situation. I truly don’t know why I feel such resentment festering under the surface, but I’m 49 and have been this way as long as I can remember. I’d appreciate any recommendations or insights you might have on what I can do.
—Samuel

Dear Samuel,
Anger is a normal emotion we all experience in reaction to a real or imagined threat or loss; a resentment against hurt. When feelings associated with painful life experiences are cumulatively suppressed, the result is a buildup of intense hurt and resentment that interferes with your life, health and relationships. The more these feelings are forced to remain below the surface, the less outside stimuli are needed to trigger a response that, as you’ve described, is often stronger than the situation actually warrants.

It’s also important to understand the difference between anger and aggression; specifically, anger is an emotion and aggression is a behavior that can manifest in destructive, violent or intimidating actions. A commonly held belief is that the only effective way to express anger is through aggressive outbursts. Anger doesn’t necessarily result in aggression, but it’s more likely to occur when one’s emotions are purposely avoided, unaccepted and accumulated inside.

Take a moment to envision yourself with a huge, cumbersome vase that’s filled to its brim with water. What if you had to walk around carrying this vase for the rest of your life and were never allowed to set it down, even for a second? What if the tiniest spillage emitted a horrible odor and no one wanted to be around you? You have three choices: (1) try to suppress the water down in the vase (even though there’s clearly no room), (2) keep carrying it around and try not to spill any water, or (3) dump the water out as efficiently as you can (and with as little smell as possible leaking out) and make a conscientious future effort to keep systematically dumping out any new water that accumulates before it ever reaches the brim again. By choosing the third option, the water level will steadily be lowered, along with the burden of carrying it.

That you acknowledge you’ve had your feelings of anger as long as you can recall suggests that you may want to explore professional counseling. There are many knowledgeable, compassionate psychotherapists out there with various therapeutic modalities created to treat the problem you’ve described. Keep in mind that the goal of therapy isn’t to repress the feelings of anger but to first dispel the idea that those feelings are wrong and bad. Anger and other difficult emotions are a natural part of the human condition. By providing a safe place to explore and experience these feelings fully, a therapist can help you identify the hurt that underlies your anger, face your feelings and understand their historical relevance. Therapy can also help you recognize specific anger triggers and cues, as well as develop an awareness of situations, people and behaviors that provoke your anger, and learn how to express that wrath in a healthy, assertive and appropriate manner. 

Some of the strategies and techniques that have proven effective in working with anger issues include Intensive Short-Term Dynamic Psychotherapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Heals, Mindfulness, Dialectical Behavior Therapies, Assertiveness Training and Rageaholics Anonymous. Begin your search now to find the right therapist and situation that suits and supports you in your unique journey to learn healthier ways to relate to others. Change can happen with self-acceptance and, in turn, the acceptance and understanding of others.