07/16/2009

Dear Patti,
I just turned 19 and my father told me that if I don’t join the service by summer’s end, he’s going to kick me out. He and my grandfather served in the military and they both strongly believe you’re not really a man if you don’t go fight for your country. I’m proud of both of them, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t believe in war and I don’t think anyone should be pushed into carrying a gun and killing people. They won’t talk about anything else and this latest threat to kick me out of their lives is hurtful and confusing. What should I do?
—Andrew

Dear Andrew,
I understand it can be disturbing and even painful — especially at only 19 — to face the possibility your principles are different from your loved ones’ core beliefs. Part of the natural process of becoming an adult is deciding who you really are and what you really think without being either compliant or reflexively taking an oppositional stance. While this may sometimes be a lonely journey, staying true to your rightful nature can lead you to discover your true potential. Likewise, ignoring “the self” — fighting in a war you don’t believe in — can be dangerous.

If you don’t already know of him, I’d like to introduce you to the ideas of Carl Jung, a famous psychoanalyst who was the first to define “archetypes.” This is the concept that each of us is born with a unique grouping of energies, traits and talents that make up our personality. Sometimes these archetypes are totally different from those of our parents. The archetypal personality of an athlete who yearns to be a football player may encounter disappointments, misunderstandings and relationship problems with his gentle poet mother and intellectual researcher father if he’s struggling to stay true to himself but still trying to please them.

According to Jung, there’s an innate need for self-realization that leads to the exploration and integration of the various aspects of personality. The result is called individuation. It’s crucial for parents to recognize, understand and accept the individual driving forces within their offspring and let them be themselves rather than follow the life-script that was expected of them. Children are all unique beings with a unique purpose; the parents’ role is to guide them to discover that purpose and enjoy a happy, fulfilling existence.
Do your best to explain to your father and grandfather that they need to see you as an individual separate from them. Calmly and lovingly explain to them that while you appreciate and respect their life choices, they need to respect your choices, too, if they truly want you to become a man.

In your letter you say they’ve threatened to kick you out of the house but later mention they threaten to kick you out of their lives. This seems like a harsh reaction and I recommend professional counseling to guard against such a serious falling out. Sometimes parental guardians threaten the armed services out of a feeling of helplessness when coping with an emotionally “stuck” or “acting-out” young adult.

If that has some ring of truth for you, take responsibility for the part of you that’s refusing to grow up. Individual counseling might help as well. Another possible option is a structured organization such as the Peace Corps that doesn’t go against your ideals.

You’re still young and, for the most part, inexperienced. Be open to your elders’ wisdom but realize you need to stay in harmony with your own convictions in order to live a satisfying life. Does your decision about the armed services come from somewhere deep inside?

If your heart tells you it’s morally superior to try to avoid war, abide by your principles. Become the person you want to be by listening to and understanding your true self.