10/08/2009

Dear Patti,
I’m an independent woman and have always taken care of myself. I got married and had children late in life, and while I’m used to being self-sufficient, I didn’t expect to have to do everything for my whole family singlehandedly. My husband and I both work, yet when I get home he usually just sits around and expects me to fix dinner and get the kids ready for bed. As often as I request his help, he takes so much time that it’s almost too much work to keep asking. I’ve become bitter and resentful of his laid-back attitude and unwillingness to do anything unless he absolutely has to.
I have very few friends or time to cultivate any because all I do is work. His behavior makes me angry and I’m not sure how to get him to change. I’ve tried everything, from making schedules, reading parenting books aloud, lecturing and nagging, as well as taking him to couples counseling. Nothing has worked and I’m afraid I’m always going to be overworked and unhappy. Divorce or separation is out of the question.
— Maggie  

Dear Maggie,
When you’ve worked so hard to rely on yourself, it must be disheartening for life to become more difficult once you finally get a partner. I completely support doing all you can to make your marriage fair and satisfying and never want you to stop standing up for yourself. While there are parts of you that are strong and independent, however, let’s focus attention on the dependent part of you. It’s the reliant side that believes you can’t be happy unless he changes — “fix the broken husband” and then all will be well. Instead of counting on his behavior to change in order for you to be happy, I’d like you to find ways to make life gratifying that depend only on you. By writing the following six lists to support a new way of thinking, you’ll create contentment even if your husband is passive-aggressive or withholding.
1.    List 120 things you could do by yourself that feel good, such as playing your favorite music, singing, taking a scented bath, walking, gardening, getting a massage or keeping a private diary. Do things you’re passionate about and that you usually don’t do when caught up in resentment of your relationship. These can come to your rescue, especially when the one you love lets you down. Pick one a day no matter what.
2.    List 100 things you don’t normally do but that will keep you healthy — take vitamins, meditate, floss, jump rope for five minutes, eat a salad, or skip dessert. Pick one a day, even if you’re down in the dumps.
3.   List 80 activities that make you feel beautiful — buying a new lipstick or sexy lingerie, polishing your nails, visiting a hairdresser, or giving yourself a facial. Do at least one a week.
4.   Identify 60 interesting places to go — the San Diego Zoo, Brookside Park’s Rose Bowl Aquatic Center, Millard Canyon, the Old Mill, a spa, a movie theater, or a neighbor’s house. Try one a week.
5.   Write 40 things you’d do if you were a single parent who didn’t have help. Examples: Making a crock-pot meal in the morning for dinner that night when you’re tired, buying clothes that don’t need pressing, finding another parent to trade off babysitting or carpooling. Do one of them a week.
6.    Make a list of the 20 most important people in your life and email, write, text, call or visit each of them at least once a week. Maintain a strong, loving support system so you don’t feel so alone when your partner disappoints you.
Take your life into your hands and independently work on your own happiness. It wouldn’t be a surprise if under these circumstances your husband’s behavior changes for the better.