09/17/2009

Dear Patti,
The 17-year-old babysitter who worked for us this past summer has been great, and our two little girls love her. A few days ago, however, Abigail tearfully told us her parents are leaving Pasadena and she wants to know if she can live with us in order to finish her senior year with her friends. I feel badly for her, but it’s hard enough for me to always be available for my daughters and husband, and I don’t think this is something I want to take on. I like my privacy. And since I now work at home, we don’t need a babysitter. It’s also a small house, and my mother-in-law sometimes stays with us during the winter. As much as I like Abigail, I haven’t known her long enough to feel she’s “family.” On the other hand, I don’t want to feel guilty or selfish for not helping someone in need. I’ve been reading your column for some time and trust you. What's the right thing to do?
— Rhonda  

Dear Rhonda,
The role of a psychotherapist (or Well-Being columnist) is to help you explore your emotions, thoughts and experiences in order for you to decide for yourself what life decisions are best. While I’ll definitely point out what appear to be self-destructive behavior patterns, it’s not my place to tell you what to do or how to live. Because you’re the only one with first-hand knowledge of the situation and, in this case, are sensitive to what’s best for you and your family, you’re also the only one who can make these life choices.
 
I do believe your highest priority should be what’s best for your children and your marriage. From your letter, you sound like someone who tries to be thoughtful and compassionate. If you believe it could create problems to take in a young guest for a year, trust your instincts. Conversely, if Abigail is a good influence on your girls and you think you can handle her staying with your family, this could be an opportunity everyone might benefit from. When you look back on your life, will it be to ask, “Why didn’t I have better boundaries and surplus drama in my life?” Or will it be “why didn’t I more openly embrace new experiences of helping others?”

It also sounds like you’re assuming it’s best for Abigail to stay in Pasadena just because she desires it. But how do you know that? While moving a student before their senior year isn’t typically a good idea, there are sometimes reasons why the needs of a family take priority over the needs and desires of offspring. I suggest talking to Abigail’s parents to understand why they’re leaving at such an inopportune time and to see whether the move can be delayed. It’s common for teens to rebel against these decisions, especially if they’ve developed strong social attachments to friends or even their first romantic interest. If Abigail is college-bound it gets more complicated, because new teachers and counselors might not get to know her well enough to advise her or write recommendations. All these factors might favor her staying behind to finish high school in Pasadena.

Do her parents deem her mature enough to be without their daily guidance? Are you willing to assume that role? Most teens say they’re able to be independent, make good decisions and run their own lives, but it’s not always true. Some can handle relationships, time management, money and responsibilities by this age, some can’t.

Let’s say you agree to host her for the upcoming school year. Can she be comfortable with your family’s ground rules for behavior? What are the expectations for chores, curfews and checking in with you? Will her parents contribute money for her support? And will they give the money to you or her? If it doesn’t work out, how will you decide whether to send her back to her parents? If you decide a live-in arrangement won’t work, you can still be a valuable friend and mentor by putting the word out to friends and family seeking a good babysitter in exchange for room and board.