Dear Patti;

I’m 22 years old, still in college and living at home. I’ve been in psychotherapy for a year and have learned a lot about myself. My therapist thinks I’ve been too enmeshed with my parents. I understand what the term “enmeshment” means, but my mother’s therapist says I’m suffering from “negative enmeshment.” Would you mind explaining what both terms mean? I just want to live my own life and be true to myself.
— Heather

Dear Heather,

Enmeshment is an emotional bond with another person that is so enveloping it causes someone to lose their sense of self and become more like the other person. Let’s imagine your parents wanted you to marry an attorney, have two children and live in a little house with a picket fence. If you created that life to please your parents when you really wanted to stay single and become an artist, this would be an example of enmeshment.

Negative enmeshment is when someone loses their sense of self by becoming exactly what the other person doesn’t like. In the example above, negative enmeshment would be if you ran away and joined a cult, partly because of how much your parents would disapprove, and never became an artist.

In order to avoid losing a sense of self in either direction, it’s important to explore various aspects of what you want — not what others want for you. To commence this personal discovery, buy yourself a diary or journal, go someplace where you won’t be interrupted, and write down your thoughts about the following questions.

WORK: What would be a meaningful career for you? What are you passionate about? If money were no object, what kind of work interests you so much you’d do it for free? What kind of careers or life’s work do your parents have? Are they satisfied? What kind of work are they hoping you’ll pursue? How are your goals similar and dissimilar to what your parents want for you?
RELATIONSHIPS: How did your parents interact with each other when you were growing up (e.g., affectionate, respectful, competitive)? How about now? Is theirs a relationship you want to recreate for yourself? Why or why not? What do you most value in a life partner? What kind of friends do you want to have? If you had only one day left on earth, who would you spend it with?

YOU: What’s your true nature? What are your passions? Your talents? What do you value most? What’s fun for you and how do you like to play? Who are you now? Who do you want to become? What kind of life do you want to live?

Close your eyes and visualize your future self. Imagine that you’re in your 90s and looking back at your life. What kind of life do you need to create so you feel fulfilled and complete and don’t end up full of regrets? Make a list of 50 to 100 things you’d love to accomplish and feel passionate about. Get out pictures of yourself as a child and look at them. What do you see in this child that you like and want to nourish and protect? What are the longings of this child? If you took a long walk with this child at ages 5, 10 and 15, what would she want to communicate to you?

A healthy emotional bond with another is one that doesn’t lead to losing your own identity, dreams or goals but, instead, reinforces them. Be open to guidance and inspiration, but don’t let engulfment (enmeshment) or defiance (negative enmeshment) lead to losing your unique and valuable self.