07/07/2011

Dear Patti,
I’m getting married in two weeks, and this morning my fiancé and I went to the county courthouse to get our marriage license. I was very excited about this errand and envisioned it as a special, intimate trip just for the two of us that we would always look back on as a memorable prelude to our actual wedding day. 

After waiting in line for quite a while, we finally got up to the clerk in the window. She asked multiple questions directed to each of us, and at one point she asked me if I had ever been married before. I said yes. Since the divorce took place over four years ago, I didn’t need to provide any proof  of paperwork. When she asked Doug the same question about whether he had been married before, I was startled to hear him respond with, “I don’t make mistakes.”
 
I don’t want to start this marriage by withholding hurt feelings or building up resentments, so as soon as we left the courthouse, I immediately told him that I thought his comment was hurtful and insensitive. The only thing he had to say in response was that he was just kidding. What I can’t understand is why he’d start our marriage like that, ruining what was supposed to be a special day with such a thoughtless remark.
–Chloe

Dear Chloe,
Without knowing either of you or anything about the history of your relationship prior to your wedding plans, it is difficult to be sure what emotional dynamics are going on between you. There is always the possibility that Doug was just being playful and truly meant nothing by the comment. It’s important to be self reflective and ask yourself whether or not you have a tendency to be overly sensitive to Doug’s behavior. However, to be as clear as possible, it might be helpful to ask yourself the following questions:

1. Does Doug have a habit of comparing himself to you or your behavior and always coming out the better person? Does he seem to project an “I’m OK, you’re not OK” attitude?

2.  Does Doug withhold resentments only to passive-aggressively bring them out in a joking manner at inappropriate times?

3.  Is your fiancé overly critical of you in general? How does this make you feel?

4.  Could he be striking out in a kidding fashion because he’s jealous of your commitment to another man prior to him? Does Doug have  unresolved feelings oncerning your first marriage?

5.  Does Doug need to joke and distance himself from you during special or intimate moments out of a fear of intimacy?

6.  Is he scared that you might end up viewing him as a mistake and possibly divorce him as well? Is he worried that you might have commitment issues?
 
If you answered “yes” to very many of these questions, you might want to consider going to couple counseling and discussing these issues and their underlying causes with a trained therapist. If you answer “yes” to Questions 1-3, you might want to explore the possibility that a destructive dynamic between you may be forming. If you answered “yes” to Questions 4-6 as well (or instead of 1-3), you’ll need to focus on supporting, nurturing and reassuring Doug of your feelings toward him. He may have insecurities and lack of confidence in your love and commitment to him to believe that your relationship is genuine and meant to endure for the long term. I recommend that both of you put serious thought and focus on communication and learning to understand and listen to each other’s deepest feelings.