03/25/2010

Dear Patti,
I’ve been married for seven years and our marriage hasn’t been good for the majority of it. We fight nonstop. No matter how hard I try to stay out of arguments, we always end up calling names and even belittling and threatening each other. I get so angry that I behave in ways I never thought possible. My husband’s very selfish and when he does think about someone else, it’s his mother, his friends or his dog, but never me. He claims that all I do is complain, criticize and fail to look at my part of the problem. That’s just not true.
 
We tried a weekend couples’ workshop as well as private marriage counseling twice with two different therapists. I’m not saying it wasn’t helpful, but it seemed superficial compared to what we really needed. When we’re feeling so hateful toward each other, for instance, dirty fighting is easier than stopping to think about how we communicate.                            
I’m not sure where to turn. Maybe it’s too late.
—Abby

Dear Abby,
I know it’s very hard, but don’t give up yet. I commend you and your husband for seeking treatment and am sorry your experiences weren’t more successful. Most individuals enter their relationship seriously, bringing deeply valued dreams and expectations of how their life together will be. Whether those expectations are too idealistic or involve realities that come crashing down as a result of extreme differences or external crises, one or both partners in a highly troubled marriage usually feels intense bitterness and disappointment about the relationship’s failure and invariably blames the other. This leads to attempts to change their spouse through persuasion, complaints, criticism and threats. 
 
While the intention of these behaviors is to create positive changes in the partner, they’re often experienced as unpleasant attacking and bullying and often get a retaliating response of withdrawal, passive-aggressive behavior, criticism, sarcasm, threats and sometimes even violence. A negative interaction cycle is established and it no longer matters who started it. 
 
These ongoing resentments stir up a strong need to make a case against their mate and prove to the therapist — or anyone else who will listen — that their partner is bad, wrong and/or impossible to live with. In concert with repeated accusations of wrongdoing is the expectation that a therapist will “fix” the offending party and make everything right again. Since there’s no quick solution, it is of little surprise that the drop-out rate for couple’s therapy is 57 percent, compared to 37 to 45 percent for individuals.
 
Effective marital therapists have to establish a positive and nonjudgmental therapeutic alliance with both partners, be able to accept, tolerate and work with their emotional intensity and become a conduit between them that allows each to hear the other in a way they couldn’t before. Most importantly, a therapist identifies a couple’s individualized negative interaction cycle. For example, although I don’t know you or your husband, you may be deeply disappointed in his lack of attention and criticize him in the hope he’ll be more responsive. But, instead, his reaction is to retaliate by withdrawing and taking solace in others. For change to occur, both of you need to learn to interrupt this cycle with less reactivity as well as replacing judgment and blame with acceptance. This will allow you to respond to each other with the empathy, understanding and reassurance required to rebuild love, trust and respect.
 
While it’s a major challenge for any couple to re-establish a loving relationship after a long period of friction, it’s definitely possible.