Dear Patti,

My daughter Madison is 2 years old and she’s a love. Whenever she smiles and laughs, which is a lot of the time, I melt. She’s a daddy’s girl and my husband, Sean, adores her completely.

While Madison’s an absolute joy, she’s also very willful and high-spirited and has been that way since birth. She laughs hard, cries loudly and when she gets angry she’s like a hurricane.

Madison is also much bigger and stronger than most toddlers her age. She started walking at 10 months and learned to climb out of her crib shortly after. Some people say she is undisciplined and worry that she may be hyperactive. Our pediatrician says she’s healthy and normal and will probably outgrow some of this behavior as she matures.

The problem is that Madison has been hitting and pushing other children when they have a toy she wants or when they get in her way. She even bit one child. I get embarrassed and Sean gets angry.

He lightly pushes or hits her or gently but firmly pulls her hair exactly like she did to another child. He has even spanked her.

My mother-in-law says my husband was the same way when he was a child and had difficulties throughout school because of it. However, Sean has grown up to be an incredible husband and father and a very successful attorney. I think my husband is afraid Madison is too much like him and will have the same problems he had and is trying to circumvent that. I know Sean would do anything for Madison but I don’t agree with how he’s handling her.

I am sorry for going on and on like this but I am worried.
—Wendy

Dear Wendy,

As you’re seeing with Madison, toddlers can be a handful, especially when they’re testing the limits of what we consider to be suitable behavior for their age. When a child your daughter’s age hits, bites and pushes other children, it’s unacceptable. But — at the same time — it is developmentally appropriate. A 12-year-old child who engages in similar acts, however, is doing things that are not only unacceptable but also developmentally inappropriate.

In the case of Madison, she may be extra willful and unruly, but what you’ve described is normal behavior for a toddler who needs parenting and guidance. Sean’s attempts to exert control by hitting or pushing her back are not wise as he is actually putting himself at her developmental level. Much of her behavior is innocent immaturity. While it’s nothing to worry about, you shouldn’t ignore it, either.

It’s time to set out the “Grumpy Bear Chair,” a technique that uses the same chair in the same place as often as necessary whenever a child misbehaves. Every time Madison is inappropriate with another child, you need to put her in the chair for two-and-a-half minutes (one minute for each year of age). You may have to put her in the chair many times in one play period but repetition and consistency are necessary and important.

Sit next to her or be close by; she doesn’t need to be sent away or isolated. This is meant to be a training experience, not a punishment. Don’t interact with her while she’s in the chair. React calmly without scolding or arguing. You’re helping her distinguish between her feelings and her behavior and to learn that it’s acceptable to be angry but not acceptable to act on that anger.

Lastly, give her lots of praise when she learns self-control. That will be an important lesson for her. Madison needs to learn how to get along with others so as not to end up being socially ostracized.

I also recommend you and Sean attend parenting classes. If you’re correct in your assessment that he may be having trouble with Madison’s personality because it reminds him of what he finds unacceptable in himself, it would be a good idea for both of you to explore what residual feelings from childhood are being activated.

As in the case of our children, those we love and are attached to most are often our best teachers.