07/14/2011

Dear Patti,
When my husband, John, and I are the only ones in the house, he completely shuts down and doesn’t want to talk. He perks up, however, whenever he’s around other people. I admire and appreciate that he’s a terrific salesman, but he seems to save all his energy and charm for his clients, friends and family and takes me for granted.  
 
We often entertain at home and he’s very attentive, charming, complimentary and full of laughs. The moment that it’s just us, it’s as if someone took his battery out! Over Fourth of July weekend, we had houseguests. While I was inside cooking, he was outside having fun and entertaining our guests. Not once did he come in to check on me or ask if I needed help. That upset me.  
 
Another example is when I was gone all day running errands and came home at the same time our neighbor dropped by. He jumped up to greet both of us, smiled as he asked her for a hug and never even approached me. Later, I asked him if he was mad at me; he said no and that I always make a big thing out of nothing. 
 
I’m not trying to be petty, but I’m frustrated at being ignored or treated like a second-class citizen. It would be different if John’s personality was such that he was chronically aloof, but I resent it when his behavior is so circumstantial. 
–Becky

­­Dear Patti,
Becky just showed me the letter that she is emailing to you, and she’s mistaken. I don’t ignore her, but what she refuses to understand is that when I’m out supporting the two of us in the lifestyle that she’s accustomed to, I have to be “on” all the time. It is part of my work, and it’s hard — definitely not just fun and games for me. When we’re home alone in the house, I’m just being myself and not thinking about entertaining her. I wish it would make her happy to see me finally able to relax and let go when it’s just the two of us.
–John

 
Dear Becky and John,
When I’m reading your letters, it’s like hearing two songs at the same time and, therefore, I’m unable to clearly listen to either of you. I’m concerned that this may be what it’s like in your home — an ongoing stereo scenario, in which both of you are expressing your own point of view but not stopping and truly listening to each other.
 
John, Becky is not mistaken. Her feelings are real for her, and I’m concerned you’re being dismissive and not taking her seriously enough. She needs more attention from you, wants you to show more interest in her and be more responsive toward her. Whether you think that should be necessary or not, she is telling you that it is, and you’re refusing to hear her. I don’t think refusing to hear her will make her point of view go away. Has that worked so far? Rather than tell your wife she’s mistaken, stop whatever you’re doing, look directly at her and say, “If I understand what you’re saying, you need me to treat you more responsively like I do others. Is that what you’re trying to tell me?” Start the conservation that way and it might go in a different direction rather than the same old argument.
 
Becky, put yourself in John’s shoes. He’s tired. He feels that in order to connect fully with others, he has to really work at it. Sometimes he just wants to come home, be in the safety of your love and understanding and be accepted by you, even when he’s not doing anything special. He sometimes feels taken for granted as well and not being appreciated for how hard he works to take care of both of you.
 
I think the two of you have very valid points of view but are possibly not stopping long enough in expressing them out loud to truly hear each other.