Dear Patti,
In recent columns you have focused on troubled couples and the importance of breaking negative cycles. My wife and I found your advice extremely helpful and are planning to go to therapy together as soon as an important project at my work wraps up. In the meantime, what are some positive behaviors we can incorporate to strengthen our relationship? We really appreciate your help.
—Milo

Dear Milo,
When a couple is having difficulties, it’s sometimes hard to instill positive behaviors. Deeply rooted conflicts can be extremely resistant to change and may require the attention of professional counseling to resolve them. For a start, however, consider the following activities that healthy partnerships put — and keep — in practice. 
 
Treat your partner as you did during your courtship. Make a list of those early romantic gestures such as hand-holding, long walks, cards, phone calls, spontaneous hugs and coffee in bed and reinstate these back into your relationship.
 
Take your current level of physical touching up a notch and initiate caring behaviors that demonstrate your affection. If the quality and quantity of your sex life is disappointing, focus on improving it. Progress gradually to more passion, intimacy, frequency and slowly become more sexually adventurous with one another. 
 
Surprise her with a random gift every four to six weeks. Buy her a new book by her favorite author, bring her flowers and anticipate her needs for pampering before she even asks. Pay attention to the things that interest her. 
 
Plan and participate in shared recreation and mutually enjoyable activities that give you time to play together. Spend lots of time together and give her your one-on-one attention. One rule: avoid discussing problems during these times. 
 
Take responsibility for your share of the problems. Review recent conflicts and disagreements and write down at least one behavior you could have done differently. Share your insights with her.
 
Pay attention to your physical appearance. Look nice for her and compliment her when she does the same for you. Acknowledge your partner’s positive qualities and behaviors and express appreciation when she compliments you or demonstrates her love, affection and understanding. 
 
Actively work on your communication and listening skills. Whether the emotions you’re expressing are positive or painful, the message to your partner should always be given with sincerity, respect and empathy. Listen non-defensively and demonstrate your validation of her concerns through eye contact, appropriate nodding and repeating back in your own words your understanding of what she has just said. Instead of agreeing or disagreeing with her train of thought, respect that her reality is real for her even if it’s not for you. Let her know you appreciate her willingness to talk about emotional subjects even when it’s not always easy to do so. 
 
Offer soothing comments and affirm your commitment to work problems out together. Be sensitive as well to the nonverbal cues you’re projecting, such as body language, eye contact and facial expressions. To be a better listener, you need to be involved, engaged and interested in what she has to say, and encourage her to continue talking by fully focusing on the moment rather than appearing distracted, detached or indifferent. 
 
Make the relationship your top priority. Everything else rests on the support and care of this special partnership. Be quick to support and believe in your wife, especially when she’s having trouble believing in herself. Value her needs and wishes as highly as you value your own. The world can often be challenging, but couples who make the commitment to protect each other’s back and always put each other first are truly the richest.