02/11/2010

Dear Patti,
All my life I’ve been told by teachers, friends and family that I’m very talented, special and the one who’d really “go far some day.” Throughout school I’d get As, Bs, and Cs …and constant reminders I wasn’t living up to my true potential. I majored in literature to become a writer, but realized I was too extroverted for such a solitary career. I also wanted to be a singer, but it just wasn’t right. I’ve traveled the world, have the equivalent of three years of college and am waitressing in an upscale restaurant. At 26 I feel like a failure and that I’ve let my parents down after all the money they invested in my education. My sister is happily married with two beautiful children and works as a part-time accountant. My brother just started law school. While my parents don’t say it, I can’t help but believe they’re disappointed in me. Could it be I was never that special to begin with?
—Erin

Dear Erin,
When you were a child, I’m sure the adults in your life were well-meaning in their praise but possibly did you a disservice with all their comparisons and expectations. Specifically, what was meant to be encouraging and inspiring also reinforced the message that your self-worth was based on your performance, rather than affirming that your life’s journey is a quest to find happiness, meaning and personal fulfillment. You’re now putting that same pressure on yourself and talking as if everything is already set in stone and doomed to dissatisfaction. By constantly measuring yourself against the personal and professional achievements of others — including your siblings — you’re defining yourself as “second best.” Instead of “I’m OK, they’re not OK” or “They’re OK, I’m not OK,” try saying, “I’m OK, they’re OK. We’re just different from each other.”
How can you have failed when your adulthood has barely begun?  The 20s are a time of exploration and discovery, and during this “embryonic” stage of maturity many young adults are confused about who they are and how they want to live their lives. People who wait until age 29 or older to marry, for instance, generally have twice the chance of a successful relationship. Consider, too, the following examples of women who didn’t hit their stride until midlife (or beyond!):
• Linda Bach was accepted into medical school at 46; she’s now in private practice.
• Irma Elder — a housewife until widowed at 52 — is CEO of Elder Automotive Group, one of the 10 largest Hispanic-owned US companies.
• Wini Yunker joined the Peace Corps at 65 and had a two-year tour in the Ukraine, which was the best experience of her life.
• Jo Fuchs Luscombe won a seat in the Connecticut House of Representatives at 48 and became Republican Minority Whip eight years later.
• Evelyn Gregory became a flight attendant at 71.
• Maureen Horkan entered law school in her 30s and is now an assistant state attorney in Jacksonville, Fla.

None of these women allowed rejection, setbacks or external judgments to keep them from summoning the self-discipline, passion and commitment to pursue their dreams. By focusing so much on pleasing others, Erin, I’m concerned you’ve lost sight of yourself. The question is “What do you want out of life?” not “How can you perform so others will validate your existence?”  If you’re sure you don’t want to be a singer or writer, that’s fine, but don’t call yourself a failure just for realizing you don’t want to do what’s necessary to achieve a certain career goal.
If money were no object and if you didn’t have to “become” somebody, what would you want to be doing with your time? What do you absolutely love? Focus on that for a while. While I understand you want your parents to be proud of you, having an educated, well-traveled, hardworking daughter sounds like a great start to me.
At the end of the day, you don’t have to prove anything — live your life and be happy.