Dear Patti,

My husband and I have three grown children and our youngest, James, is 32. He’s doing well, living on his own. He’s educated, has a good job as a pharmaceutical sales rep, and has lots of friends.

Over the last four years James acquired two or three tattoos (my husband thinks it was more like four or five). Last night he visited and both his father and I were horrified, not to mention sad. He now has tattoos covering both shoulders and upper arms. He didn’t want us to see them but, once we did, he seemed proud, talking about how accomplished and great the artists were. He was never inebriated when he got tattooed and kept an image for months before committing to it.

My husband and I aren’t uptight people and we understand tattoos are becoming more mainstream, but we’re afraid he’s carrying it too far. It hurts to watch him desecrate his body like a graffiti wall. We tried to get him to promise he wouldn’t get any more and, while he isn’t planning on it, he wouldn’t make a promise he might not keep.

His dad and I are afraid this signifies some emotional problems. Is there a possibility he’s becoming addicted to tattoos? We’re afraid he’s going to be very sorry later.
— Tim and Gail

Dear Tim and Gail,
Many a parent has come to me feeling helpless about decisions their adult children have made in terms of what look like irrevocable life mistakes that could cause deep regret. After devoting so much energy to your offspring’s happiness, this can feel heartbreaking. The subject might be who they marry, if they’re going to have children, quit the law firm to open a surf shop or — as in James’ case — acquire more tattoos.

What was once considered antisocial and forbidden is now widespread, not only in prisons and the military, but in classrooms and boardrooms as well. If recent polls are correct, 16 percent of Americans (roughly 41 million people) are tattooed and 36 percent of 25- to 29-year-olds are tattooed. Within this grouping are individuals who range from healthy, normal, high-functioning and artistic, individualistic people to the middle of the spectrum with pretty good functioning, mild personality disorders/neuroses to fragile individuals carrying out strong addictive, masochist/exhibitionistic drives. Tattooing can stem from high self-esteem as well as low self-esteem. While fanaticism in anything can be a possible red flag for psychological problems, James’ mental health can’t be measured by how much ink he’s sporting but, rather, by examining all aspects of his emotional life. From what you’ve conveyed, I’ve not detected serious emotional problems.

The reasons people choose to be tattooed are numerous and can range from the fanciful and impulsive, to neurotic or deeply profound and spiritual. Some want to identify with a particular group, celebrate a rite of passage or commitment to a loved one or a memorable event, provide catharsis for joy, love, rebellion, pain or rage or to become an art collector of sorts. There are also those who experience tattooing as extremely addictive behavior; this has become an injurious practice with harmful repercussions and may require the services of Recoveries Anonymous, a 12-step program that reaches out to tattoo addicts.

It can’t be determined whether James has emotional/addictive problems by the fact he enjoys tattooing. Here’s a homework assignment: Make time to see your son and, for the next 5-10 visits, don’t bring up the issue of his tattoos or your pain over him making an irreversible mistake. Just be glad to see him and be with him. Observe your son. Does he seem emotionally healthy? Happy? Lonely? Depressed? Anxious? After numerous visits where you have built up a friendship, ask him what the tattoos mean to him and the significance of each. Carefully listen to his replies, how he thinks/feels and who he really is. You have every right to state your beliefs and why. Say it once, then let it drop because protecting your long-term relationship is most important and, ultimately, it’s his life to make decisions as he sees fit. The best thing you can do for him when he does make mistakes — as everyone does — is give him love, respect and friendship from one adult to another.