08/06/2009

Dear Patti,
I am a 20-year-old college student with two roommates. Both of them have taken to constantly criticizing me, especially about my eating habits. A year and a half ago I sought out an eating disorder specialist for anorexia and bulimia. I’m fine now, but I’m still seeing my psychologist and am actually trying to gain weight. A few months ago I explained my history to my roommates and hoped that by letting them know food is a problem with me they’d stop picking on me. While they don’t criticize my food choices as often, they’ve started criticizing the actual disorders and saying anorexia and bulimia are just illogical and disgusting. They’re both pre-med students, and while I appreciate their knowledge and concern, I feel they take it too far. They joke about me like I’m some sort of freak. I don’t know how to talk with them about this anymore because I feel they can never understand what it’s like for me. The stress of living with their judgment has made me uncomfortable eating around them at all.
—Molly

Dear Molly ,
First of all, be proud of yourself. I commend you for confronting your eating disorders and seeking professional help; it shows strong character. The ability to take care of yourself and pay attention when something is awry isn’t easy, but it’s essential to having a healthy life.

While I wholeheartedly support your exploring your feelings with your therapist, I caution against showing such vulnerability with others unless they’ve earned your trust. During this time of healing, you’re very susceptible and words can either be hurtful or supportive. So it’s crucial to be discerning about who share your personal business with.

I understand you were hoping to elicit empathy by confiding in your roommates and, under other circumstances, your goal might have been achieved. In this case I think something else is going on. It sounds like you’re a victim of verbal bullying. Social bullying isn’t always obviously aggressive and can be deceptively subtle — as in criticism, nitpicking and trivial fault-finding. All of these tactics are mean and unhealthy conduct and can be extremely destructive and damaging to your self-esteem. Be careful not to rationalize or normalize such behavior. In order to stop this harassment, you need to recognize what they’re getting out of doing this. Bullying can be an addictive habit as the perpetrators are positively reinforced with (temporary) zaps of high self-esteem from feelings of power and dominance. It also helps your roommates create a strong bond with each other — an “us against her” syndrome. When tension and hostility build in their lives, they can release it by expressing negative feelings toward you.

From now on, it’s important you make a conscious decision to have a protective, loving attitude toward yourself and not internalize this negativity. Self-compassion is an important key to your well-being. Just as you’d save and shelter a child from harm and discrimination, you need to do that for yourself.

Explore the possibility that you have been abused or bullied in the past. Is this a pattern? Do you sometimes set yourself up as a victim by being submissive, shy and even self-effacing? If so, this is a wonderful opportunity for you to start learning a different social skill set.
I know it’s hard, but I wouldn’t hide when eating — that is submissive and only reinforces their dominance. Practice saying small, clear sentences that state your boundaries. Example: “I don’t want to discuss eating disorders with you right now, please excuse me.”

Whenever the put-downs start, remove yourself by taking a walk or going to see other friends. They can’t do the bully dance if you refuse to be their dance partner! Do your best to be around them individually instead of always as a pair. That way neither roommate will be encouraged by having an audience. The less their behaviors are reinforced, the more likely they’ll eventually cease. If not, you may need to get yourself new roommates who respect your feelings.