Dear Patti,
My husband’s sister ran away from home more than 20 years ago, married a Muslim and moved out of state. While my husband has always loved and missed her, we rarely saw her or her family. Recently, she called and asked if we’d allow her son Amir, 19, to come live with us in California and attend college. She apologized for imposing but revealed in a heartbroken voice that Amir told them he was gay and his father no longer wants him around. 
 
We don’t have children of our own and are certainly willing to welcome him into our home, at least for a while. We’ve only met him twice, but without question consider him family. To be honest, however, I’m uncomfortable he’s a Muslim. I’m Catholic and the combination of the political climate and cultural/religious aspects of his background scare me. In contrast, my husband admits he’s having more trouble with the fact our nephew is gay. Neither one of us want our prejudices to get in the way of getting close to him. Any thoughts?
—Meridith

Dear Meridith,
I’m pleased to hear that you’re both trying to be honest with your feelings and examining how your respective anxieties, judgments and personal biases regarding the stereotypes surrounding Amir’s religion and/or sexual orientation could influence and possibly prove detrimental to your relationship with him. This young man is, in part, shaped by his specific culture but also by his encounters with the dominant culture. Whenever someone is a member of a perceived minority — be it gender, ethnicity, faith, social status, etc. — it can be extremely distressing, alienating and destructive to their self-esteem, especially in the absence of loving support.
 
One can only imagine what Amir must be going through with the double pressure of being both gay and Muslim. Not only is he being rejected by his father — the Islamic faith being one that for the most part considers homosexuality sinful — he’s now being asked to leave everything familiar, reside with relatives he barely knows, acclimate to the pressures of a new school and tolerate a pervasively hostile social environment wherein emotions have been radically colored by US relations with the Middle East.
 
While it may not be an easy task for you and your husband, you can nonetheless slowly become a source of familial support and strength for Amir by respecting and promoting his sense of identity and by understanding any hesitation, anger or mistrust he might have toward those who refuse to accept him for who he is. This process begins by educating yourselves about the social forces influencing your nephew as well as exploring any and all stereotypes you currently hold regarding homosexuals and Muslims. 
 
Because American Muslims are culturally and ethnically diverse, it’s critical not to assume too much but, rather, discover how these differences pertain to your nephew. Encourage Amir to talk about his values and beliefs and the extent to which he feels his identity is linked to either cultural group. Ask him about his concerns, dreams and goals and actively listen to his replies without moralizing or criticizing. He’ll feel closest to you when he feels accepted, understood and respected for his opinions, strengths and accomplishments. In turn, you must also insist that he be respectful of your beliefs.
 
Provide support of his feelings when external factors cause him distress. Be his advocate and refuse to accept deviant labels that he puts on himself or those that others try to ascribe to him. Establishing his trust through positive and consistent communication is essential in strengthening the bonds of your new extended family. 
  
Last but not least, maintain contact with your sister-in-law. This will provide her with the solace that he is being cared for as well as provide you with important information necessary to assisting Amir in his life journey.