08/13/2009

Dear Natalie ,
I deeply respect your devotion and commitment to Tyler. It must seem like a hefty responsibility sometimes to have so much influence on him since you’re often his only authority on how he sees the world. Be careful, though, that you don’t accidently give Tyler the message he has to be highly together or competent or you’ll worry something is wrong with him.
Tyler’s low self-esteem is a complicated matter with a lot of variances, but much of it derives from his perception of his self-worth and his perception of his self-competency.
Somewhere Tyler has picked up the idea that his ability to be lovable is directly related to his ability to achieve. It’s important you use your parental power to convince him he’s worth a great deal just because he’s him and that he deserves to be happy no matter what his accomplishments are at any given time.
Especially at this young age, I’d caution against focusing on finding what Tyler’s good at and, instead, explore with him what makes him happy and feel good. Rather than ask him to be the best he can be, ask him to do what makes him smile and laugh a lot. For example, instead of signing him up for a music class to see if he has any aptitude for it, let him listen to music, move and dance to music, play an instrument, and make music simply for the purpose of experiencing joy. This approach will facilitate self-love, self-acceptance, and self-respect. When Tyler feels high self-worth, he’ll have more faith in himself and, accordingly, have an easier time handling conflicts and resisting negative pressures.
While Tyler needs to know he’s of high worth even if he’s not highly skilled at something, there’s no getting around the fact that self-esteem is affected by competency. You can help Tyler build competency by encouraging him to take on the responsibility of helping others. He might help take over chores for you, assist his teacher, help animals or children that are younger than him, or do some kind of charitable work like sweep the driveway of an elderly neighbor. Give Tyler the chance to solve family problems, such as what to cook for dinner or how to reorganize a hall closet. Give him bite-size responsibilities that will enable him to experience self-improvement, self-discipline and self-satisfaction.