06/17/2010

Dear Patti,
I have a secret that I’m extremely embarrassed to admit. For the past two months I’ve been seeing someone completely inappropriate. He’s a 29-year-old mechanic who barely finished high school, has tattoos all over his body, uses gruff language and poor grammar and has no desire to go back to school or better himself. 
 
Although I’m lucky to have a face and figure that belies my age (49), I’m a very successful scientist accustomed to a pretty high standard of living. I hadn’t dated much when we met, but the chemistry between us was instantaneous and we became lovers right away. 
 
The sex is incredible, he always makes me laugh, and he treats me like I’m this classy, brilliant lady — a feeling that’s totally new to me. I recently rode behind him on his motorcycle for an out-of-town trip and it was the most magical weekend I’ve ever had. Although I pay for a lot of our dinners and hotel stays, it’s only because he can’t afford the type of places I’m used to. 
I’m not in denial. I know this relationship won’t work for the long term and that I’m headed for a big fall. Should I break it off now, so I don’t fall in love with him even more deeply than I already have? I hate the idea of going back to my old life of empty loneliness and boredom.
—Ellen

Dear Ellen,
There’s always a risk of heartbreak when you lose someone you deeply love and have become attached to. And, yes, there’s a greater possibility of that happening when there’s not only a large age discrepancy, but also different financial and education levels, social statuses, dreams and ambitions and dissimilar developmental life stages. The hardship of sustaining such a fragile relationship is very high. It’s not my place to tell you whether you should or shouldn’t take a risk. Only you can decide whether you’ll look back in 10 years with regret for being so romantically impulsive or disappointed that you didn’t see it through to its end, whenever that may be. 
 
Sometimes in life, a mentor can arrive in a form you least expect, and it seems like this is the case here. Despite this man’s uncouth demeanor and lack of education, he’s coaching you to live in the moment, open yourself up to new experiences and connect to undiscovered aspects of yourself. He’s supporting you to value your beauty, sexuality and intelligence. No matter what happens, he has given you invaluable lessons; respect him for that. 
 
While he’s very good at inspiring these lovely parts of your personality, realize that a lot of what you feel when you’re with him are actually parts of your personality that can come out whenever you want. It may hurt deeply if and when this relationship ends, but it will hurt less if you take a fuller and more complete self with you. Likewise, you’re teaching him valuable lessons he’ll probably always remember. After the experience of being accepted and loved by someone he views as classy and brilliant, he might possibly be changed for the better.
 
Among the many reasons there’s a strong chemistry is the possibility that — even if he doesn’t merit a lifetime commitment — the exchange between you two enhances you both in some fashion. For as long as you stay in the relationship, be respectful of him, his feelings and what he has helped awaken in you. If and when the honeymoon aspect starts to wear off, don’t respond to him as a broken person needing to be fixed, nor should you allow him to do the same to you. Appreciate that you’ve given each other the gift of feeling what it’s like to be cherished, for however long it endures.