06/30/2011

Dear Patti,
My dad, 76, is a widower but seems old for his age. A year and a half ago, my sister and her husband gave him a cocker spaniel puppy, despite my advice that it wasn’t a good idea. She felt he really needed the companionship. Ripley is a sweet, good dog and not that big, but he’s very strong-willed and rambunctious while my dad’s a little timid and fragile. My sister’s kids were supposed to train Ripley, but that never happened. (My sister and her family pretty much do whatever they please at the moment.) 
Dad has tried to train Ripley but hasn’t been very effective. He chews everything, growls and occasionally nips, and he has the strength to knock my dad off his feet if he sees another dog when they’re on a walk and tries to take off after it. Although my dad is bruised from a recent spill he took with Ripley, he’s OK. When I heard this, however, I flipped; he could have easily broken his hip. I’ve had it with the dog, and I’ve also had it with my sister’s hare-brained ideas. I want to go over immediately and get rid of it before Dad gets seriously hurt. I don’t care what my sister and her husband think, but my dad says he has bonded deeper with Ripley than with any other dog. He is very upset and absolutely refuses to surrender him. 
What do you make of this situation?
– Kurt

Dear Kurt,
First, be a little introspective for me and reflect on why you feel so hostile toward your sister and her family. While you may have good reasons for your feelings, try for the moment to separate these feelings from the current problem. Your sister buying a reasonably sized dog for your father doesn’t seem that extreme. Nor could she have controlled the outcome. I’m also not sure that your father having a companion pet wasn’t good for him. There may be other evidence that your sister has been irresponsible in the past, but make sure you don’t automatically label her. For your father’s sake, as well as your own, try to better understand your feelings about your sister. 

Your father’s physical health, of course, is the highest priority right now. With his permission, talk to his doctor and find out whether his fragile health is putting him at greater risk for injury. There is also his mental health to consider. If he has deeply bonded with Ripley and sees him as “family,” losing him could be detrimental to his mental well-being.

I agree with your proactive attitude that ignoring the situation could make it worse. Since Ripley needs to be better trained, I recommend hiring a trainer who will work for a concentrated amount of time with both the dog and your father. Although Ripley can be trained separately, your father will also have to look at the possibility that perhaps he’s unable to be assertive when he’s alone with his dog and will need to master that skill. If Ripley is trained to obey commands and not run when he sees other dogs, everything may be fine. If there’s still a concern, however, perhaps you can hire a dog walker to walk Ripley rather than give your father’s beloved animal away.

Everything possible should be done so your dad can keep his dog. If it should come to a worst-case scenario of his being unable to keep Ripley, allow him to express his feelings. In time, he may want a smaller, gentler animal, but probably at first, he won’t like the idea. When someone loses an animal or another person he or she has loved, the feeling is often that the one lost is irreplaceable. That is normal, and it may take time for your father to have an open heart to love again. If it does come to giving away Ripley, your father will want to know you made sure to find a wonderful home for his pet. However, it’s critical that you and your sister put your personal issues aside in order to do all you possibly can, so your father doesn’t suffer any more loss than he already has.