12/03/2009

Dear Patti,
My 20th high school reunion is coming up. There are lots of people I’d like to see, but I’m too embarrassed to go. Back in school, I was thin and pretty and always the cheerleader and even the prom princess. I was voted “Most Likely to Succeed” in my senior year.
Life hasn’t turned out the way everyone thought it would for me. I’ve had several bad marriages, experimented a little with drugs and was repeatedly trapped in crummy jobs that went nowhere. As a result, I’m now 50 pounds overweight. Is it wrong to want my classmates to remember me how I used to be and not let them see me as I am now? A friend of mine says my classmates probably don’t look so great either, but I don't believe it.
—Marsha

Dear Marsha,
When you worry how your former classmates will view you, you don’t actually know what they’re going to think and could be projecting onto them how you feel about yourself. Instead of passively recounting all the bad that’s happened to you, your upcoming reunion is a chance to take responsibility for how you’ve treated yourself the past 20 years and to recognize you still have plenty of time left to change your course and make the commitment to give birth to a new, nurturing way of life you can be proud of.
Rather than hide and not attend the affair, evaluate and face head-on the worst about you. Look at the person you’ve become that you’re afraid to expose and ask yourself where you went wrong. If given the choice, what would you do differently? Were your aborted relationships the product of abuse, neglect or betrayal by you or the other person? At what point did you stop listening to the little voice in your head telling you to stay in school, pursue work you felt passion for, leave a dead-end job, or stop damaging your body through substance abuse, overeating or avoiding exercise? How many times did you stay silent when you should’ve spoken up? Many therapists say that the key to mental health has to do with how quickly one can say “ouch” out loud when being hurt.
You know yourself better than anyone else, Marsha. You understand your true nature, talent, desires and dreams. Acknowledge all of the good and all of the bad that’s standing before you in the mirror and accept yourself completely and unconditionally. Learn from your history. Learn from your mistakes. Forget your preconceived ideas on what you think you should’ve accomplished. The freedom of forgiving yourself and your mistakes opens the door for you to be able to face and love life again.
It’s not unusual to have mixed emotions about attending your reunion, but if there are many people you’d love to reconnect with, do so. Don’t try to be someone you are not; just be yourself.  Most won’t look like they did in high school — nor have they become millionaires or movie stars — and that’s OK. Your high school reunion isn’t a competition; most people are just hoping to reunite with someone who’s interesting, genuinely glad to see them and not too self-absorbed. Even if you’re between jobs and unsure of the future, praise your classmates’ accomplishments and respond to others about what you’re truly interested in.
You may not be able to change things fast enough to be fully prepared for this event, but do your best to bolster, support and prepare yourself by committing to an exercise regime, creating a stylish wardrobe and splurging on special outfits to accentuate your best assets. Pamper yourself — get your hair and nails done, get a massage and buy a journal to record your feelings.
Keep an open mind and don’t be afraid to laugh, cry, talk, listen and just be you. To quote a line from “The Nutty Professor,” “To love yourself is the beginning of a lifelong romance!”