08/27/2009

Dear Patti,
My daughter Stephanie was abandoned by her husband a year ago and left to raise their three children by herself. She says she’s fine but I know that’s not true. I visited for a couple weeks to help out and observed that she’s great with her two daughters (4 and 8) but extremely aloof with my grandson, Jacob (6), who looks just like his father.
The girls are both allowed to sleep with her, but she’s adamant Jacob sleep by himself. I awakened in the middle of my second night there because I thought I heard noises. I was horrified to discover Jacob sleeping in the clothes dryer instead of his bed. I carried him back and told him the next morning how dangerous it was to get into the dryer. My heart ached when he said he liked to pretend the warm towels were his mommy hugging him to sleep. There’s a lock on the dryer now, but my attempts to talk to Stephanie about him are falling on deaf ears. She denies any wrongdoing but continues to ignore him. I could be wrong, but my granddaughters are starting to ignore him, too. I did convince her to talk to her pastor, who referred them to family therapy. She’s willing to go — but is there anything more than can be done in this sad situation?              
—Pamela
 

Dear  Pamela,
I can understand the pastor’s reasoning behind family therapy instead of individual psychotherapy, especially given Stephanie’s resistance. By possibly surmising she might get support in the overwhelming task of single parenting, he might also have been seeking assurance the children would be looked over by a professional counselor as well. I, too, think it would be wonderful for the whole family to attend counseling but I don’t think it’s the most immediate intervention and would only agree if there wasn’t a way to persuade her to attend individual counseling.
She’s obviously suffering, repressing her feelings and unconsciously acting out. She needs loving assistance in understanding and facing her emotions of rage, grief, depression, anxiety and pain about what happened to her and her family. Repression, or excluding certain feelings from awareness, can often trigger of neurotic symptoms and reactions that — as in Stephanie’s case — can impair judgment and parental ability. When someone has substantial repressed feelings, transference can occur, an unconscious redirection of feelings for one person towards another. That Jacob not only physically resembles his father but may also share his mannerisms and speech patterns can trigger Stephanie’s negativity about her ex and cause her to maladaptively cope by shutting him out. If she doesn’t confront the feelings she’s pent up concerning her husband, she’ll continue to be susceptible to these feelings being ignited and repeatedly transferred onto Jacob. This pattern is psychologically dangerous and it’s critical you use your influence as a mother to get her help. Left unchecked, her behavior and lack of emotional resolution can extend  her daughters, which could have a detrimental effect on their feelings toward their father, brother and men in general.
Had you said Stephanie was detached from Jacob but that he seemed fine and happy, that would have been different. The fact he’s trying to gain mothering warmth in the dryer, however, is a cry of pain that needs an immediate response. Child therapy is, of course, an imperative good start. Many a patient has recounted a neglected childhood and clung to the unconditional love of a grandparent. Encourage others in the family who love Jacob — including his father, if he’s available — to spend time giving him physical and emotional love.