Dear Patti,

The day after Thanksgiving my husband and I went Christmas shopping. I found myself getting angry when he picked out a holiday dress for me in a color I’d never wear and a style I’d have to lose 15 pounds to look good in. I felt like after all this time he should know me better than that. I didn’t say anything because I know he really didn’t do anything wrong. The problem is with me. Last year he spent a lot of money on diamond earrings for me — and secretly, I resented I hadn’t picked them out myself. The truth is that I have a wonderful husband who treats me very well and we have a good marriage, but I often get angry and sometimes even depressed around Christmas.

I have terrible memories of Christmas as a child. My mother would go without for herself to buy the kids nice gifts, but instead of feeling happy I’d feel helpless and guilty. My father would invariably fly into an alcoholic rage, once even throwing our Christmas tree against the wall. Eventually he’d feel bad and always say he’d change, but he never did and my mom finally left him.

My childhood is history now and I want to move on and live in the present. When I was a little girl I said I’d grow up and make my life different. I’m not always doing a good job at achieving this. I need help.
—Melissa

Dear Jackie,

Holidays often heighten sensitivity of feelings, both positive and negative. While it’s a season for joy, inspiration, appreciation for what one has and spending time with loved ones, it can also generate stress and pressure when it comes to fulfilling Christmas obligations and coping with the memories of past holidays that were less than they were meant to be. Many a patient has felt sad or blue, unsure of the reason until something as simple as pulling out a favorite eggnog recipe or looking at a family photograph triggers remembrance of a family death, divorce or other painful trauma that occurred at this same time of year.

These anniversary feelings — such as those you’ve related about your childhood — are emotions that were unsafe to experience at the time and yet, with their recurrence, they represent an opportunity to heal.

You’ve made a wonderful first step toward change by acknowledging your need for help. I recommend professional counseling, which will provide you with a safe place to start repairing the hurt you experienced as a child and, in doing so, to address your situational depression and angry mood swings. It’s important to recognize that the helplessness you feel was modeled when you were growing up by observing a father who wanted to change his behavior but was unable to. Don’t follow in his footsteps, Jackie. Your local chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous can direct you to meetings of Adult Children of Alcoholics where you’ll be able to learn more about the effects that alcoholism has on family members and their perceptions of themselves.

You’ve also taken an important second step toward healing by separating the past from the present and realizing that although your husband may trigger your feelings of anger, sadness or guilt, he’s not creating them. The transference of emotions and insecurities you’re projecting onto his actions are making you feel cheated and resentful, no matter what he buys you for Christmas.

As you work on the old wounds that are causing such resentment, also focus on doing your best not to take out your anger on your husband. Share the painful memories and ask that he be supportive and patient. Reassure him your mood swings aren’t his fault. If it makes you feel in control to pick out your presents, then do so. Write a list together about what the perfect Christmas would be and work to transform this season into the celebration you’ve always wanted and deserved.

You’ve already accomplished your wish of living a different life. Despite the circumstances of your childhood home, you’ve created a good marriage for yourself. Even if it’s not always perfect, I’m glad you have each other to celebrate Christmas — and life — with. Happy Holidays, Jackie!