06/03/2010

Dear Patti,
I’m 16 and I recently met a girl I really liked at a dance. We talked for about half-hour and exchanged emails. I thought the connection between us was great. But when I complimented her on her hourglass figure, she got really furious, told me I was being inappropriate and then hauled off and slapped me in the face before turning and leaving the dance. My friends all thought it was funny. I wasn’t hurt or anything, but I was embarrassed. The thing is that I like this girl and have been thinking maybe she was just having a bad day and that my face got in the way of her anger. Should I email her an apology and see if she'll give me a second chance? Don’t girls like it when you give them compliments about how they look? I’m confused, because the way I said it wasn’t off-color, crude or anything like that.
—Danny

Dear Danny,
Yes, girls do like compliments, and there are many girls that might have thought “No big deal, he’s just being sweet and complimentary in a playful, flirty way.” I believe you when you said you started to like this girl, just wanted to get to know her and had no negative motive. However, it’s not a good idea to get personal and intimate so soon after having just met someone. Many girls don’t like to be objectified as sexual objects, and even though you had no intention of doing so, it may have seemed that way to her. When a compliment only focuses on a specific body part such as legs, hips, breasts or her overall shape and seems to be expressed with a sexual undertone, it can evoke resentment and a feeling of being devalued. 
 
It’s hard to know for sure, but if she initially thought you truly liked her and then you suddenly commented on her figure, she might have felt tricked and concluded she was only being viewed as a temporary titillation instead of a real person who wanted to be taken seriously. Even at her age, she may already have had negative experiences in which boys or men couldn’t see past her physical attributes and acknowledge her personality, intelligence, sense of humor or goodhearted nature. Your compliment — no matter how well-meaning — could, thus, have been misconstrued as an insult.
 
That said, even if your remark was unacceptable, it’s not OK for her to be physically abusive. It may have seemed like “just a slap” that didn’t cause injury, but if such behavior gets normalized and becomes even an occasional practice, it will most likely cause serious emotional damage to your confidence and self-esteem. It’s also a bad way to start a relationship.
 
Sometimes people with personality disorders or a history of physical/emotional trauma have poor impulse control, which leads to trouble distinguishing between a feeling and an action. While I can’t say this young lady is such a person just because of one incident, please proceed slowly if you pursue a relationship with her. If you observe her having difficulty controlling her anger or expressing it inappropriately, too intensely or too frequently, you’ll either need to leave the relationship for the sake of your own emotional health or establish firm boundaries insofar as how she’s allowed to treat you.
 
I admit I’m a little concerned for you, Danny. You seem awfully quick to take the blame, apologize, rationalize and deny any social/physical pain in deference to worrying whether she’ll give you a second chance. You might want so badly to be in a relationship that you could end up disregarding yourself as well as tolerating and excusing shoddy or cruel treatment. Be self-protective and insist that others treat you the same way you’d want someone to treat your most beloved friends and family.