08/20/2009

Dear Patti,
It’s easy for me to be aggressive when it comes to business dealings. I’ve attended professional assertiveness training workshops and learned a lot. Because I have enormous responsibility in my job, I’m often faced with major confrontations. These have never been a problem for me because business is business and I just do what I have to do.
When it comes to my relationship with my wife Nancy, however, it’s another story. I turn into a wavering wimp. I feel completely controlled by her and almost always find myself giving in to her demands in spite of what I want. It doesn’t matter what the issue is; if she’s persistent and nags long enough, I always give in.     
The funny thing is that instead of feeling resentful about being henpecked and harassed, I constantly focus on how to make her happy. Intellectually, it makes no sense why I get so anxious when I’m not pleasing her. This subservient conduct is definitely not a behavior I want to continue. The only other person I responded to this way was my father. No matter how hard I tried, I could never please him and he ended up leaving my mother, my brother and me anyway.
Is this some neurotic behavior I need to see a counselor for?
—Kenneth

Dear Kenneth,
Since you already have knowledge and training in assertiveness and are successfully carrying out these teachings at work, additional focus in that direction might miss the real psychological root of your problem.
In psychoanalytic theory there’s a term called “reaction formation.” This process occurs when someone has a strong urge to do or say something and then actually does or says something completely opposite. For example, a mother who unconsciously has strong feelings about not wanting her child might become overly doting and hovering. Another example might be a woman whose fearfulness of her unacceptable promiscuous desires might prompt defenses against those sexual feelings by becoming antagonistic toward prostitutes.
In your case, Kenneth, you may be experiencing intense negative feelings toward Nancy when you believe she’s being unfair and demanding and yet covering up those emotions by conveying excessive concern. Freud called this exaggerated response “overboarding.” You might not only be unconsciously afraid of feeling guilt or shame when you expose your rage and resentment, but also afraid of what others could think of your aggressiveness. A reaction formation defense mechanism reduces your anxiety about these “bad” feelings.
In a situation like yours, where education hasn’t made a dent in your submissive behavior, I unquestionably recommend psychotherapy — where you can safely explore your aggressive feelings and then no longer need this defense. Though Nancy’s behavior is definitely the current trigger, your methods of responding likely appeared long before you met her and are rooted in your feelings toward your father. I don’t recommend going back and exploring painful historic memories unless they’re interfering with your quality of life today.
This is a sad and lonely situation for both you and Nancy as she’s probably acting out, in part, in order to access the real you. Even if it appears she’d fight it, she deserves your participation in the marriage with feeling responses and responsible boundaries that don’t arise from compulsive avoidance. It’s clear that automatically submitting to her orders is no longer an option for you, and I’m glad — because you both deserve better.