02/25/2010

Dear Patti,
I’ve been married to George for 17 years and we have two teenage daughters. George was recently fired for having computer-based pornography at work. His coworkers’ teens go to school with our girls and they’re embarrassed because they heard kids talking about their dad and are afraid everyone knows. I’ve known about his addiction to Internet pornography but tried to ignore it. Believe it or not, I still love him. 
 
I’m absolutely furious that his selfish obsession with hedonistic pleasures has put us in terrible jeopardy, both financially and socially. He’s very ashamed, says he’s tired of having a secret life and will do anything not to lose us. He wants to go into treatment for cybersex addiction and wants me to join him in couple therapy. He may have gone too far this time for me to ever forgive how he humiliated us.   
—Dorothy

Dear Joyce,
Your disillusionment is understandable and I respect your right to make the decision of leaving your marriage. No one but you should determine whether to commit any more to this relationship. However, since you’re writing to me, part of you wants more information before making such a life-changing choice.
 
If your husband is typical of many sex addicts, he had a childhood where he felt there was no one to trust with his painful feelings. If his parents seemed disengaged and unavailable, his frustrating search for closeness led him — through impressionable adolescence — to confuse sex with comfort and nurturing and to rely only on himself to meet those needs. Fear of emotions and intimacy is the cornerstone of addicts’ destructive behaviors. Some use drugs or alcohol; others use food or sex to cope with their emotions. Sex addicts view themselves as bad and — coupled with low self-esteem — believe others wouldn’t love them if they discovered the truth. All forms of addiction are counterproductive because they reinforce a fundamental mistrust of others.
 
I know you feel deeply betrayed by George’s behavior but sex addiction is defined as any sexually related, compulsive behavior that interferes with normal living and becomes unmanageable. It’s not the behavior itself but the loss of control and the negative consequences of a behavior that indicate addiction. Because sex addicts are unable to stop their self-destructive habits, they often ignore the emotional and interpersonal results of their actions. Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon that the costs of compulsive online sexual activity include loss of a wife and family or loss of a career. 
 
Overcoming cybersex addiction is a challenging process that can take years and George will be successful only if truly motivated. He’ll need family, friends, and 12-step groups such as Sexual Addicts Anonymous. Mental health counselors will be essential for therapeutic support. He’ll develop a relapse avoidance plan, be encouraged to eliminate access to pornographic materials and will pick a sobriety date — his last exposure to pornography. 
 
Stopping addictive behavior, though, doesn’t constitute recovery. When he faces that cybersex isn’t an option, emotions of anger and sadness will emerge and it’s critical he acknowledge and address these feelings. For true healing, his core issues must be identified, explored and healed. Learning to regulate — rather than avoid — his emotions is key. Reconnecting socially and having a supportive network is also paramount to recovery. When a wife is involved in the therapeutic process, chances of a successful outcome are dramatically increased.
 
If you decide to stay with George, it’s important you know everything that occurs in treatment and insist on no secrets. If there’s any kind of relapse, it must be talked about openly together in therapy. Whether or not you stay with him, I’d recommend individual psychotherapy for you and your girls as well as family therapy for your daughters with their dad.