Dear Patti,

You’ve probably heard of the Red Hat Society, a social group for older women who dress up in purple outfits and red hats. My mother (75) joined the red hatters three years ago and spends much of her time with these ladies dining out, having tea, wearing sparkly, glittery clothing, big plumed hats and - quite honestly - being a little outrageous. I love my mom and want her happy but sometimes I wish she’d spend more of her time and energy on her family.

My sister and I gave her a surprise party for her 75th birthday and all her friends came and I felt disappointed it seemed to turn into a red hat party. One of her friend’s presents was glittery red and purple decorations for Mom to decorate her walker with and now Mom keeps it decorated permanently.

The last straw was when she announced she’d like a “red hat” funeral and that her friends be asked to be her pallbearers. I think she’s going overboard but I’m afraid to say anything that would hurt her.
—Donna

Dear Donna,
The Red Hat Society has only been around since 1998 but has already become the world’s largest social networking community for (mostly elderly) women. With more than 30,000 chapters, the concept it embraces to dress up and play stems from founder Sue Ellen Cooper’s fondness for a poem in which a woman muses about how she plans to challenge proper society’s “rules” as she gets older. Wearing a red hat and a purple outfit quickly caught on as her new club’s signature style.

Let’s look at this from your mother’s point of view. As people get older, they experience overwhelming losses — spouses, roles in life, jobs, status and health.

In a society that worships youth and sex appeal, women especially can sometimes begin to feel dowdy and invisible. For many of them, career and family was their main focus. Once their children grow up and their usefulness in the workplace vanishes, they may feel isolated and alone. As they approach 50 and up, women like your mother often need a way to feel visible, attractive and to experience the social freedom and circle of friends they may have missed.

It appears your mother has acquired some caring friendships that support her desire to stay vital and active in this stage of life; bonds that support her joie de vivre. Rather than let using a walker get her down, she decorates it — great! When she contemplates her own funeral, how wonderful she has such a strong sisterhood that will literally support her to the very end. Grab a red hat (pink if you’re under 50) and visit this community that’s so dear to her so you can better appreciate what she’s getting from participation.

It’s natural to want her to focus on you and the family. But are these feelings coming from a sense of emotional neglect? Did you feel overlooked or given insufficient attention as a child? Have you always felt you didn’t get enough of her attention or is this a recent feeling since she joined the Red Hat Society? If unmet needs are a familiar issue, I’d recommend professional counseling to allow you to explore these feelings and eventually free yourself from insecurities that originated during childhood.

Open communication is key to maintaining a good relationship with your mother. Let her know how you feel. Accept her busy life but also make sure she knows how important family relationships are to you and how irreplaceable she is in your life. Strive together to find a balance.