Dear Patti,

My wife and I have 6-year-old twins, a boy and a girl, different as night and day. That may be the reason why they aren’t very close and resent each other so much. Although we’ve learned practical ways to handle their bickering, neither of us is close to our own siblings as adults and don’t want that to happen to our children. We want them to get along, but they’re always in competition with one another for our attention. Todd is very well-behaved, never complains, and — even at this young age — is always helpful to his mother and me. He’s a sweet little boy except that he’s shy in public and constantly ignores his sister. On the other hand, our daughter Lily can speak to anybody at any time, but becomes difficult if she doesn’t get her way.

My wife wishes Lily had a temperament more like Todd and, while I agree, I wish Todd had Lily’s spunk and spirit. How do we help our children become closer? We both read your column and your advice would be greatly appreciated.
— Gary

Dear Gary,

Whenever you have more than one child in your home, you’ll invariably witness varying levels of sibling rivalry. The jealousy, competition and fighting between brothers and sisters are concerns for all parents, but usually normal. The actual causes of this disharmony differ from one household to the next but, in a small percentage of families, a conflict that’s deep enough to impact the siblings’ ability to attach to each other with love and affection may require the services of a mental health professional knowledgeable in these types of relationships.

It appears you often refer to your children in the context of comparisons with one another. In order to support healthy self-esteem, it’s crucial you see them as separate individuals and not just in the construct of the family or how one twin — or any sibling, for that matter — measures up to another. Like unpainted canvases, your young twins are just beginning to discover who they are. As they start to explore and develop various aspects of their personalities and find activities and interests apart from their sibling, it’s imperative they not be typecast, pigeonholed or carelessly labeled with adjectives like “sweet,” “shy” or “spunky.” Let each child’s own unique beauty and talent emerge and celebrate those differences. Try not to play favorites or compare them in front of each other; how they evaluate themselves in relation to their siblings can make the difference between a harmonious or hostile relationship.

It’s important to reflect on their respective strengths, weaknesses and personal issues that need your attention. It doesn’t so much matter whether your children are similar or dissimilar, but that they’re seen and valued as they really are and that they’re actively listened to. When siblings consistently compete for love, attention and praise, it can play a negative role both in their relationship with each other and in family dynamics. Children are acutely sensitive to how they’re being treated, and one common cause of sibling rivalry and jealousy stems from believing they get unequal amounts of parental attention, discipline and responsiveness.

I recommend you and your wife individually spend some uninterrupted, one-on-one time with each twin on a regular basis. Give them your undivided attention as they talk about his or her day, the things that concern them and how they feel about what’s going on in the family. When the need for special bonding is fulfilled, they tend to feel happier and have less inclination to argue or tease their sibling.

Provide opportunities for them to explore individual as well as shared hobbies, express their opinions and be recognized for their own abilities. This will help foster a climate in which they’re more likely to feel supportive rather than resentful toward one another. Recognize, acknowledge, respect and reward their efforts to be helpful to each other and encourage them to become caring and compassionate. Let them know that family loyalty and empathy are important values to you.

If the problem between them persists, I recommend your family see a counselor who is trained and knowledgeable in working with family systems and sibling rivalry.