03/04/2010

Dear Patti,
When I was a child, my parents fought and argued with each other constantly. They didn’t even stop fighting during family vacations or holidays. I want my marriage to be happier than theirs, yet I realize I’m repeating some of my parents’ mistakes. What are some of the bad habits that couples commonly use in the middle of heated arguments?
—Stacy

Dear Stacy,
When couples engage in destructive behaviors, even during visits to a therapist’s office, it damages their self-esteem and escalates — rather than resolves — their disagreements. Here are some examples:
 
• Negative body language: Shaking your head, looking away, folding your arms and leaning backwards.
 
• Facial expressions: Glaring, frowning, rolling your eyes.
 
• Vocal tone: Cold, sarcastic, sighing, groaning.
 
• Elevating yourself: Interjecting or implying states of superiority, making your partner feel second-best in comparison to you.
 
• Ultimatums: Issuing demands accompanied by threats. “Either you quit your job or I’m getting a divorce!”
 
• Walking out: Physically leaving in the middle of an argument with no indication of if or when you’re returning. 
 
• Making assumptions: Engaging in accusations and conjectures without any evidence of wrongdoing.
 
• Humor at the other’s expense: Condoning your negative comments as “just joking” and/or accusing your partner of “being too sensitive” if he or she reacts with anger or tears.
 
• Blame game: Refusing to take any responsibility for relationship problems and repeatedly shifting all fault to your partner. 
 
• Cursing, swearing and name-calling: “Asshole!” or “Go to hell!”
 
• Negativity: Always assuming the worst about your partner and exaggerating its impact on your life together. “You’re such a loser, you’ll never get a job and we’ll have to go on welfare.”
 
• Communication shut-down: Giving your partner the silent treatment, being aloof or unresponsive or refusing to discuss the issue anymore. 
 
• Analyzing: Adopting an all-knowing, superior attitude and constantly evaluating your partner’s personality and motives. “You only say things like that because you’re insecure.”
 
• Over-stating: Using an all-or-nothing vocabulary that includes “always,” “never,” “ever,” “everybody,” or “nobody.” “You and your family always ignore me.”
 
• Verbally abusive behavior: Verbally belittling, degrading or humiliating the other.
 
• Intimidation/aggression: Threatening and/or invading your partner’s personal space, breaking objects, yelling, pushing, shoving, hitting.
 
• Indifference: Using dismissive remarks such as “It doesn’t matter,” “Who cares?” or “Whatever.” 
 
• Guilt-inducing: Reproaching your partner, triggering large amounts of guiltiness. “I put you through medical school, and you don’t even care enough to take me on vacation.”
 
• Playing the victim: Engaging in the behavior of a martyr by reiterating all of the various hurts you’ve suffered in the relationship and overwhelming your partner with numerous details.    
 
• Stopping your partner from expressing even a reasonable amount of emotion. “Oh, don’t get so carried away,” “You don’t have to sound so angry, just talk nicely,” or “Chill out.” 
 
When behaviors such as these have been witnessed over and over for years in the course of childhood, it’s difficult to learn to undo them after you reach adulthood and are in a partnership of your own, especially if they’re a programmed response to defend yourself from hurt feelings and frustrations in the heat of the moment.