Dear Patti,

My mother has been in and out of psychiatrists’ offices ever since I can remember and has been diagnosed as having a borderline personality disorder. I don’t know exactly what that means but I can certainly tell you what it’s been like to be her daughter. She was addicted to drugs when I was young and I spent part of my childhood in foster care. To this day, she talks about what she went through, not me.

She expects constant attention and has always been tyrannical, manipulative and unreasonable in her demands — including her accusations at my wedding two years ago that I spent more time with Joshua and our friends than with her. (She initially threatened not to come at all because we weren’t doing things her way; she subsequently came but left early because she was so enraged.)

Josh tries to be nice to her but she tells me she’d be glad if he divorced me so I could move in and take care of her. I love my mom and frequently bite my tongue, but the final straw was her anger and resentment when she found out I’m pregnant. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want her to abandon me, but I refuse to let her jealousy interfere with our joy of having this baby.
— Lisa


Dear Lisa,

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a psychiatric diagnosis characterized by massive mood swings, unsound relationships, desperation, insecurity and unstable behavior as well as a disturbance in the individual’s sense of self.
This can have a pervasive, negative impact on work, home and social relationships. Symptoms may persist for years, but most of them may lessen in severity, especially if properly treated.

You are describing a subtype of borderline personality called the “queen.” This is a person with unappeasable longings that some professionals believe are due to emotional deprivation as an infant and are driven by intense, chronic emptiness. It’s crucial to understand that emptiness is a distinctly different emotional occurrence from loneliness, in that it comes from deprivation and generates rage rather than sadness. As a child she probably felt so robbed of authentic parental love and care that extreme anger propelled the belief that she’s entitled to try to compensate for that inner emptiness, no matter what.

A defense against unconscious worthlessness creates a perception of herself as better than others, deserving special treatment, invading loved ones’ boundaries, and blaming — as well as discarding — anyone she perceives has caused her pain. Rules that apply to others don’t apply to her because she has externalized her emotional hunger into
materialistic urges and competitive, cutthroat tactics to get her way.
Let’s assume her personality will never change. The situation, then, can improve only by changing your own behavior and reactions to her tantrums. You’ve always been trained to put her needs first. What I’m asking you to do is put yourself first. Although the offspring of borderlines often feel disloyal or guilty if they become assertive, it’s critical that you embrace your separateness and feel empowered to live the life you want. I’m glad that you have your mother, but your life is about you. She may be a queen but you’re not her subject, Lisa. You and Joshua need to reclaim your lives and your ability to make decisions, regardless of her input. Even though she may always try to be controlling, you need to firmly and lovingly say “no.” The more she has to face the consequences of her behavior, the better the chance that she’ll alter herself.

Congratulations to you and your husband on your pregnancy!