Dear Patti,

My live-in boyfriend complains I never listen to him. Last night I was talking with one of my sisters who said she and my other sister think I need to learn to communicate better. I get along perfectly with close girlfriends and my brother; I just have a problem with certain people. The notion I should structure how I talk to people I’m closest to seems contrived, but I also don’t want to ignore what they’re saying. Could you give me some coaching on how to communicate more effectively?
— Linda

Dear Linda,

Many people can communicate just fine until they hear remarks that trigger anxiety or feelings such as anger or embarrassment. While I agree that how people interact is very personal, many — if not most — haven’t been raised to listen to others with full attention and acknowledge their feelings.

Once you learn how to acquire and integrate communication skills into your personality so they become your own, you can then see your relationships become closer and more gratifying.

Before we explore how to communicate verbally, let’s look at nonverbal cues such as body language, eye contact and appearance and how other people use these cues to assess your approachability.
Is your body relaxed or tensed? When listening, do you lean slightly forward or hold back? Is your eye contact direct or avoidant? Is your facial expression warm or cold? Are you listening attentively — fully focusing your attention on the speaker — or do you appear distracted, detached or indifferent? Do you dress and act in a way that conveys warmth, accessibility and sincerity?

To be a better listener, you need to be involved and interested in what the other person has to say, encouraging them to continue through empathic smiles and nods.

Visualize your boyfriend telling you something that’s important to him. Listen attentively until he has completed his message, then mirror (repeat back in your own words) what he has just said (i.e., “What I’m hearing is …” and “sounds like you are saying …”). As a listener, your role is to understand what’s being communicated and acknowledge how your own assumptions and beliefs can sometimes distort what you hear.

Instead of agreeing or disagreeing with his train of thought, you need to respect that his reality is real for him even if it’s not for you.

Suppose he says the sky is pink with purple clouds, (and you know it’s blue and white). In a nonjudgmental way, I want you to resist correcting him and, instead, try to understand what it is he believes he’s seeing. Ask yourself; what is it like to see such a sky? Paraphrase what he’s told you and listen thoughtfully to his responses. Focus not only on his word s but also on the feelings connected to them. Is he embarrassed, annoyed, disappointed or enraged? It’s positive to gently seek confirmation of those feelings (i.e., “That sounds frustrating. Is it?”); it’s not supportive, however, to tell him how he should or shouldn’t be reacting (i.e., “Stop getting frustrated over such a little thing”). If he tells you he feels understood, encourage him to express anything else he needs to share until he feels completely finished. Only after that is it appropriate to state your own views.

Now let’s look at what and how not to communicate. Suppose he says he’s tired of your sisters’ frequent visits. Try not to do the following.
1. Advise or instruct: “Honey, you need to go out with them more and make more effort to feel comfortable when they’re around.”
2. Defend the other party: “My sisters are genuine, wonderful women and do whatever they can to support us. I don’t understand why you always react this way.”
3. Deny his feelings: “Oh, come on. They aren’t that bad. Just smile when they’re around and don’t make such a big deal of it.”
4. Philosophize: “Everybody has difficult family members. You just need to learn to adjust and deal with it.”

Even if the above responses are somewhat true, they won’t make him feel listened to or understood. It takes a lot of concentration and determination to practice good communication skills.