Dear Patti,
My wife and I are having a disagreement. When our 22-month-old daughter Avery first started walking, she was a total free spirit. She’d toddle off as fast and far as she could without even a backward glance at us and occasionally attempt to do something dangerous, like pull a tablecloth off a table laden with cups of hot coffee. This scared my wife so much that — to ensure Avery’s safety — she has been making her stay close to us all the time.

Lately we’ve been spending a lot of time with friends who have toddlers the same age as our daughter. While the other tots are walking and exploring, Avery hides behind my wife’s skirt and won’t leave her for a second. I don’t think that’s right and I am worried that, in spite of her good intentions and maternal instincts, my wife is being too controlling. She, in turn, thinks our daughter has become so shy because I push her too much to be social with other kids. We both value your opinion and want to know what you think.
—David


Dear David,
In this situation, you and your wife are both right. You don’t want to give Avery the message that the world’s a scary place, nor do you want her to feel she has to engage in activities just to put you at ease.

Your concerns about her becoming more sociable are valid, but part of the problem may be that she’s still very young and playing with other children in different surroundings is a new experience.

At around 18 months, children often gain a heightened awareness that they’re separate individuals and want to start exploring their environment. This can be an exciting time for parents as they watch their children’s curiosity develop. If a parent repeatedly shows fear whenever an adventuresome streak emerges, however, the toddler might get the message that the world isn’t safe and can then become timid and afraid.

On the other hand, if a child turns for reassurance during these explorations and discovers the parent has left the room or isn’t paying attention, he or she may suddenly feel abandoned and start to exhibit “clingy” behaviors. For example, if your child joyfully reaches to pet a puppy and both the child and puppy are safe, respond happily rather than flinching in fear. If she runs back to you with uncertainty when seeing the puppy, gently reassure her and soon she’ll be off exploring again.

If you start pushing her to go and play after she has been trained to stay nearby, she may become confused. After she gets comfortable and sees the other toddlers play, she’ll eventually start to join in. In order for this to occur, however, you and your wife both need to look for Avery’s lead (after you’ve established that she’s safe with appropriate boundaries) and then be quick to respond with encouragement. The words and body language you and your wife use should be free of tension or threat and convey to Avery that it’s her own choice to stay close or go play. If she’s still inhibited, arrange a play date with just one child in a safe area she’s used to.
Gradually ease her into play dates with one or two additional children.

Parents may experience a similar scenario when their children become young adults. Teens may declare their independence and go off to college but they’ll still come home laden with dirty laundry — and in need of reassurance and comfort before heading back into the real world.