09/03/2009

Dear Patti,
My husband Ryan and I have been married two years. I know we’re young (26 and 24) but we’re very happy together and I couldn’t ever imagine myself with anyone else. Even though he’s only two years older, I feel like Ryan is my mentor and that I learn a lot from him. In order to stay on a spiritual path, he likes to try different things like meditation, yoga and visiting various temples and churches. I think that’s great and I’m doing those things, too. Now he’s thinking about taking a vow of silence for two weeks. I understand and support him but I am not really looking forward to not talking to him.
I love learning from him, but I also don’t want to lose myself. While it’s true he’s often the teacher in the relationship, I still want to have my say about things and do them my way. I’m torn about whether I want to do this vow of silence. Two weeks seems like an awfully long time not to talk to anybody.         
—Rachel
 

Dear Rachel,
First, I’m glad to hear that you appreciate Ryan and how he’s able to add so much to your life. On the other hand, you still want to be your own person, and I like that, too. It’s a common challenge in a marriage to learn how to stay true to your own nature and, at the same time, learn to compromise.
 
Lately, I’ve seen more and more couples refusing to be flexible due to fear of losing themselves. It’s not unusual in couples counseling sessions to hear one partner tell the other, “I know you love to go to the beach, but I don’t want to go because I’m not really a ‘beach person.’” Unless Ryan is asking you to do something that truly and deeply doesn’t feel right to you (e.g., pressuring you to have a baby or uprooting and moving to another country), reach outside the box and be flexible. It sounds like he’s a strong man and, while you’re trying to stay open to his ideas, it’s important to strike a balance by thinking for yourself.
Your mixed feelings about the vow of silence are understandable, especially since two weeks is a longer commitment than you feel comfortable with. One reason people take a vow of silence is to promote deep contemplation by calming the mind and forcing themselves to focus inward on thoughts of faith, personal beliefs and emotions.
To experience this internal awareness on a downscaled level, what if you and Ryan took a vow of silence together for a single day? Here’s the exercise: Sit down and plan a perfect day together that focuses entirely on a quiet inner experience and each other without any outside interruptions. Your silent activities could include cooking and eating meals together, taking a walk, listening to music, or working side by side in the garden. Have a private night together that ends with intimate affection and/or sexual time before sleeping.
Whatever you choose is all done without words to each other or anyone else –  no instant messaging, email, phone conversations, texting, or even writing down thoughts on a piece of paper.
Figuring out nonverbally how to work together on a task and communicate who’s going to do what will cause you to learn a lot about yourself, as well as each other. Let’s say you’re preparing a soup or stew together. How do you nonverbally decide what vegetables to put in your meal? Who cleans up? How do you divvy up the chores? You’ll be limited to communicating through hand gestures, facial expressions and physical affection. Take time to really look into each other’s eyes and get to know one another in a different way. Just as ritual silence enhances inner peace, this exercise in quiet can promote deeper understanding between you and foster a stronger, more intimate connection.