Dear Patti,
Three months ago my wife of 17 years found out I’ve been having an affair for the last 14 months. I’d always been faithful before. I don’t know what else to say except I fell intensely in love. At one point I would’ve given up everything at home to be with this person, but when Cindy, my wife, confronted me I realized I didn’t want my marriage to end. I admitted everything to her and agreed to stop the affair. I’ve kept my promise and am doing everything I can. It’s hard not to see the other woman, but I know it’s right and what I really want.

I understand how devastated my wife is, but she doesn't seem to be able to get past what happened.
One minute she says she’ll do anything to keep our relationship, wants to forget everything and seems relieved I want to start over. Other times she acts like she completely hates me and never wants to see me again, let alone forgive me. I want to fight for my marriage but I’m afraid too much damage has
occurred for it to ever go back to the way it was.
—Paul

Dear Paul,

Now that your affair is over, your feelings may not be easily categorized. While you may be extremely sad and grieving the loss of your lover, you may also be happy to have the chance to reconnect with your wife and feel relieved you no longer have to lie. This is all understandable, but that doesn’t mean your wife’s emotions are necessarily the same or operating on the same schedule.

What she’s experiencing is excruciatingly painful. When she’s feeling vulnerable and scared she may beg you to stay, but it’s premature to quickly forgive you when nothing’s really been resolved and her feelings of rage, grief, jealousy and pain at having her trust and love betrayed haven’t been dealt with. Never forgiving you, however, stops her from having the chance to resolve the problems between you and give the marriage a new start. Some marriages are worth saving more than others, and it’s up to Cindy to evaluate this relationship and decide whether she’s staying in it out of fear or because it’s where she really wants to be. I understand it’s your desire to save your marriage, but it has to be Cindy’s choice, too.

Professional counseling — individual and couple — may not help you reach the goal of living happily forever, but it will encourage you to explore your respective roles in what went wrong and transcend from blaming to awareness. For instance, why were you susceptible to infidelity? Loneliness? Insecurity? Resentment? You both need to be conscious of what you’re feeling and how to express those feelings. Only then can you rebuild the relationship and slowly reconnect to expressing love and affection toward each other.

Recommitment takes work and a lot of time. You need to earn Cindy’s forgiveness through demonstrations of love, loyalty and devotion. Make a list of behaviors you can do to restore her trust, such as calling her during the day and telling her if your lover contacts you, or agreeing to go to therapy together. Take care not to come across as too reluctant to do whatever it takes to get Cindy to forgive you. Face the pain you caused, listen to her talk about her emotional injury and honor the expression of her feelings with calm, attentiveness and concern. As she takes inventory of the deep loss, fear, shock and pain, there’s no place for impatience. Take responsibility for the damage you caused with genuine apology in your heart.