02/04/2010

Dear Patti,
I’m a widow, 72, who lives alone. I enjoy my independence, have plenty of friends and am close to my younger brother and his wife, who live nearby. My neighbor recently asked me to dog-sit Pearl, her Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. I was hesitant at first, but Pearl was such a love! She followed me everywhere, snuggled next to me in bed and was so calm, sweet and attentive that I didn’t want her to leave. Until Pearl, I never realized how much I missed having company at night. When I told my brother and his wife I wanted to get a dog, they surprised me by saying they’d found the perfect puppy they thought would be manageable and cost half the money of a dog like Pearl. It was adorable, but very little and fragile. I didn’t want a dog I’d carry in a purse; I wanted a dog that would make me walk and exercise. When I declined their offer, they were very upset with me. My brother said I was ungrateful and that his wife had gone to lots of work to find just the right pet. I’ve been feeling terrible and depressed and having stomachaches ever since. I’ve even stopped wanted a dog because they’re a lot of work and — like my brother said — the dog would never be Pearl. Am I being too rigid, stubborn or spoiled? I really don’t want to be the kind of person that’s too set in their ways.

—Betty

Dear Betty,
The fact you’ve been physically and emotionally impacted to the point of changing your mind about pet ownership leads me to believe this isn’t the first time something like this has happened. I suspect that feelings of confrontation, disappointing others and experiencing their disapproval or anger are very difficult for you. You sound like a high-functioning individual and shouldn’t have to settle for stomachaches and the blues just because you choose to assert yourself. When these things happen, ask yourself if you’re doing anything aggressive or selfish to cause a negative reaction and, if so, try to fix it. If, however, you’re just trying to be true to yourself, then stick to your guns. You can be warm and loving to your loved ones and still be firm about what you want. Life is much too short to give up on an important desire so quickly. I don’t know if you’re generally rigid or set in your ways, but this is certainly not an example.
If you continue to get physical as well as emotional symptoms while engaging in emotional conversations, you might want to seek professional counseling.    
Write down a list of the traits you most loved about Pearl — her size, her temperament, her affectionate nature, her soft coat, good eye contact, and whether she was already house-trained and responsive to commands. Look for a dog with those traits. Whether it’s a rescue dog, a dog like your neighbor’s dog or an entirely different breed that you warm to after doing some research, the most important thing is that it has to be a dog that captures your heart with strong feelings like you felt for Pearl. Even though this new addition to your household will never be her and will have its own individual personality, there’s nothing wrong with taking a liking to the breed and buying a similar spaniel if that’s what you want. As far as financial concerns go, do you often spend money you shouldn’t spend? If your budget can accommodate the price of the dog, its food, toys and veterinary visits to keep your new companion healthy and safe, the benefit you reap in happiness and unconditional love could be well worth the expense. Go find the dog that’s right for you, Betty. He or she is already waiting to meet you.