Dear Patti,

My name is Jessica. I’m 14 and my parents have been divorced since I was 4. I live with my mom in Pasadena and my dad lives in Portland, Ore., with his new girlfriend. My dad visits me but sometimes he says he’s going to come and then doesn’t. He thought he’d be able to visit at Thanksgiving, but now it looks like he won’t (his girlfriend’s father is very sick). My mom thinks it’s just an excuse. I kind of think so, too, but I really love him. We have a lot of fun together. He invited me to visit him but my mom doesn’t want me to. The last time I went I was 12. My dad went out a lot and left me with friends I didn’t know and I was scared. I haven’t met his girlfriend yet, and even though I really want to see him I don’t want to have to go up there. I’d rather he visit me.

I’ve been saving my money to buy Christmas presents and my mom doesn’t want me to spend any of my money on him and thinks it’s a mistake to keep reaching out when he’s so neglectful. I don’t mean to be disrespectful to her because I know she’s the one who’s always there for me. I feel guilty, but I love my dad and want to send him a really cool gift. What do you think?
— Jessica

Dear Jessica,
I’m sorry your dad isn’t able to be there for Thanksgiving. You sound like a sensitive, wonderful girl any father would be proud to visit. I don’t know how often you hear from him or how frequently he visits, but it’s important you never de-value yourself, even if you feel neglected. It can be very hard on a young woman’s self-esteem to have an absent father. It’s normal to feel sad or angry about the situation, but it’s not your fault. You didn’t ask your parents to get a divorce and move apart, and it’s not your fault when he’s unavailable.

I completely understand your mother’s protectiveness and her criticism of his behavior but, unless he’s emotionally or physically abusive, I appreciate your motivation for still reaching out to him. Never feel guilty about loving him or missing him as much as you do.

If you’re blaming yourself or feeling emotionally torn between your parents, it would be a good idea to see a professional counselor.

It’s very important to express to him your need for his attention and insist that a visiting schedule be made and taken seriously. Even if he doesn’t follow through, you’ll be learning to speak up for yourself. There’s also nothing wrong with telling him when you feel hurt about him not being present.

I empathize with your feeling uncomfortable going to Portland. Until you feel differently, stay where you feel safe and secure and let your dad come to you.

If you want to buy him a Christmas present, I’d suggest something that supports him focusing on you. One idea is a framed recent picture of you and lovely stationery so he can write you throughout the year. Another idea is a present that lets him get to know what you’re passionate about. Maybe a copy of your favorite novel or something related to your favorite hobby or sport so he can participate with you — even vicariously.

Christmas is also a wonderful opportunity to thank your mother for standing by you. One idea is to gather all the pictures of the two of you and any memorabilia you can find, like old notes or greeting cards you’ve sent to each other. Take them to a copy store and get copies made (don’t use originals). Buy the nicest scrapbook you can afford and write a comment, poem or story next to each memento. Let her know how much you appreciate your life together.

Another idea is to buy tickets for a movie or concert you know she’d enjoy — one you could share together. Treat her to a night out and let her know how much you appreciate her. (My own guess is that having such a thoughtful daughter is a joyful reward in itself.) Happy Thanksgiving, Jessica.