07/31/2008

Dear Patti,

This past year I received my school credential and taught for the first time. It was an amazing experience, everything I hoped it would be. The school I taught at offered me a full-time job team teaching with this other teacher. I’ ve worked with her on and off this year and she has been very supportive. The problem is that every time I am around her I am uncomfortable.

I go back and forth between either feeling intimidated and shy or withdrawn and resentful. I keep thinking thoughts about how she is a know-it-all or too bossy and controlling. However, when I am away from the situation, I see that she has done nothing wrong. The truth is, she has not been domineering or interfering at all. In fact she has been supportive and interested in my new ideas.

When I lived at home with my father (my mom died when I was 7), my stepmother was very controlling. I felt like a second-class person in my own home and felt that I had to fight for any rights at all. I am pretty sure that I am reacting to this teacher as if she is my stepmother and I don’ t want to do that. It is time to move on from old history and drama and leave it behind me. I want a new community and the ability to create new relationships at my school next year.
—Tamara

Dear Tamara,

This is a very exciting time in your life and professional career and one that will introduce no shortage of new doors, new friends and new challenges. As is often the case when people move forward, however, it’ s not without a mix of backward glances and the awkward weight of emotional baggage — elements that can influence how well they adjust to the latest change in their circumstances and the opportunities it presents for growth.

You want to heal from the pain and the insecurity of past traumas so they won’ t interfere with your life today. That’ s an excellent choice. You have already taken the first critical step by recognizing that your colleague is treating you just fine but that you are emotionally reacting as if her behavior were a cruel carbon copy of what you previously experienced with your stepmother. This is called transference. The more you acknowledge and experience your repressed feelings toward your stepmother, the less power those historic feelings will be able to exert on what you are doing and feeling in the present.

To accomplish this objective and reduce the tendency to transfer your feelings onto others, I would strongly recommend professional counseling.

Find a therapist whom you trust and feel connected to. Keep in mind, however, that there is a good possibility you will eventually transfer feelings onto your therapist as well. That is often part of the therapeutic process which your therapist will guide you through. The goal is for the two of you to create a safe, private space in which you carefully examine and heal these painful memories.

Until then, try this exercise. Write down all of the traits — both good and bad — that characterized your stepmother. Then, on a separate piece of paper, write down all of the traits that your co-teacher exhibits. After reviewing both lists, write down the behaviors from your stepmother’ s list that you are currently transferring onto your co-worker. Look clearly at the difference.

The next step is to choose a negative trait from your stepmom’ s list and remember a specific time where she exhibited that trait and you felt mistreated as a result. See the experience in your mind’ s eye and feel your anger and hurt. Do that with each negative trait and you will begin to understand where all of this is rooted.

Share this experience with your new therapist. You may find that therapeutic work will help your relationships with your father — and even your stepmother if you are still in contact with her.

Regardless of those relationships, you will definitely experience improvement in your current contacts.
Don’ t let the past interfere with your new career, your new relationships and other relationships to come.