Dear Patti,
My family and friends are urging me to leave my husband. Jeff has never hit or threatened me, but he’s verbally abusive and says the most hurtful things imaginable when he’s enraged. He doesn’t care if he humiliates me around others or makes feel me feel terrible by saying, “You’re dull, boring, too flat-chested and skinny to ever attract someone. I was stupid and settled.” His words are killing me inside and I want to get away from him for good, but then he’ll say he didn’t mean it and I change my mind. My loved ones don’t know why I tolerate this behavior. Frankly, I’m not sure myself. Jeff wants another chance and wants to go to counseling together. My marital vows mean a lot to me, so I’ve decided to try therapy before I walk away. I have three questions: Why do I stay? Can a verbal abuser change? And besides therapy, do you have any other suggestions?

—Amy

Dear Amy,

While it may not leave visible scars, covert or overt verbal abuse is among the most psychologically destructive types of abuse because of the damage inflicted on one’s self-esteem. On the surface there are many reasons abused spouses stay. It may be driven by the need to belong to another in order to feel loved/safe/secure, or out of a desire to feel worthy or powerful as a result of being needed or accepted. Fear can be a major influence if there’s a perceived threat of physical harm, financial hardship, losing custody of offspring or being lonely. Some stay because of the emotional impact a breakup might have on their children. Others stay because of spiritual/religious beliefs, or to avoid social humiliation and shame.

While these motives are real and valid, what lies beneath is the absence of a healthy belief that one’s self always deserves love and respect. If the core of self-love wasn’t established during childhood, an adult may rationalize and normalize unhealthy behaviors; e.g., “He doesn’t really mean it; his father talked to him the same way when he was young.” A person with a punitive super-ego may also engage in self-critical assessments (e.g., “He’s right; I’m quite underweight”), or “partner up” with someone and unconsciously encourage or allow them to be the punisher.

Either way, there needs to be an emotional restructuring wherein the person truly accepts that only love and respect are normal behaviors and that punishment is no longer deserved.

It’s extremely difficult for abusers to change, especially if they indulge in addictions and multiple affairs, mistreat animals and children, have no friends, have a personality disorder or a history of violent behavior. Only for those deeply committed to doing the work — and willing to take personal responsibility — is change ever possible.

You and Jeff might ask your therapist to help you create a written agreement based on the model in Patricia Evans’ book, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship.” This five-part contract identifies (1) a list of verbally abusive remarks that are taboo; (2) the reasons they agree not to say these things; (3) agreeing of what verbal behaviors to cease (e.g., labeling, criticizing, threatening, interrogating); (4) a mutual list of positive behaviors they agree to do (e.g., keeping promises, giving goodnight kisses, asking instead of demanding); and (5) how they’ll respond to each other if the agreement is broken.

If the relationship is healing and you see marked change, you may decide to stay. Just make sure he’s abiding by the agreement’s rules, that you feel loved and respected, and that you’re able to like, respect and love him back.