11/12/2009

Dear Patti,
I’m a bartender at a popular restaurant and I love my job. I’m good at what I do, the clientele love me and plenty of bartenders would be eager to take my place. For the past seven months I’ve been secretly dating Paul, the restaurant manager, and we’ve started looking for a place to move in together. Neither the owners nor any of the staff know about our relationship.
Paul is great at what he does and spends a lot time of time connecting with our customers (including flirting). The other night I noticed him playing footsies under the table while he was sitting with a group of women. I was hurt and angry. When I confronted him, he said it was all silliness and part of his job and that if he really wanted to play around he wouldn’t be moving in with me. He’s suggesting it’s too hard to work at the same place together and that, although he loves having me close by, maybe I should look for another job so we could be public about our relationship.
I’m confused. I know he’s committed to me, but I resent that I either have to watch him flirt with other women and never share that we’re together or leave a job I love and start over. I know it’s easier for me to replace my job than his, but I take exception to being the one making all the sacrifices.   
— Ariel 

Dear Ariel,
When love hits with irresistible force at the workplace, few realize how disruptive it can be in creating jealousy, worry, anxiety and distraction. Becoming intimate with an employee can be a serious threat to a restaurant manager’s career, and your situation can be deceptively complicated in regard to co-workers and customers, late nights, long hours and a limited social life outside of work. Since you decided together as responsible adults that the romantic connection and the possibility of a meaningful future were worth the risk, you should both look at possible concessions.
Given the level of sacrifice for you to make a career move, perhaps you should wait until you’ve lived together for at least six to 12 months or until the commitment evolves into an engagement or marriage. In turn, Paul may want to explain the situation to his employers. If they like and appreciate the managerial work he’s doing and they recognize that your respective diligence and commitment to the restaurant make both of you exceptions to the dating rule, they may be more understanding than you think.
While business owners definitely want employees with solid ethics and professionalism, most can also appreciate true love. If the owners realize you didn’t rock the boat at work and have kept your relationship secret until it was a sure thing, they may be just fine with keeping such a dedicated duo.
While it seems that Paul prides himself on his charismatic management style, he might want to dial down the flirtation with female patrons. He has made a commitment to you that is serious enough to include cohabitation and a job change. Therefore, it’s not unreasonable to request him to become more reserved out of respect for you.
Healthy relationships are all about working together and making compromises. If someone in a partnership can only keep it together by always yielding to the other’s wishes, it will become unhealthy and unstable. I’d like you to delve into your past, Ariel, and explore whether there are pre-existing patterns of acquiescing and giving too much of yourself. A mindset of always giving in is not only exhausting and stressful, but also often leads to resentment that you’ve given more than was warranted.
If there is such a pattern in your past, your relationship with Paul may be an opportunity to embrace loyalty to a relationship and yet still look out for yourself. I recommend taking things slowly, rather than impulsively giving up meaningful aspects of your life. The stronger you become as individuals, the stronger the bond you can forge as a couple.